Sorry

Sorry is a term that I loosely use for my many insecurities, and to be honest the reason I use it is because it appears to work or ease complicated situations. I am the girl that apologizes for just about everything. I even apologize for others mistakes just to make the other person feel better about their behavior in the situation. Yes! I carry the burden and the weight on my shoulders but never fully understood the term and why it is used so loosely. There are countless songs using the term as the title to express sympathy for another. Or as Bryson Tiller would put it “Sorry not Sorry” a phrase to sugar coat the fact that you could really care less to sympathize for another. Yet many of us yearn for the day to receive this one worded expression to be left with more healing and understanding amongst ourselves. The term sorry is defined as a feeling of distress, especially through sympathy with someone else’s misfortune. My question is what if the misfortune was caused by the person now sympathizing? Is sorry a word created to compensate an untaken evaluation of one’s  own insecurities and responsibilities? Is it a way of smoothing things over. This term is used across all relationships whether coworkers, parents and children, and especially intimate relationships. Or is it a way for one to finally let someone know they have acknowledge their behavior? The events leading up to the term being used loosely can be extremely emotionally costly. Costly enough to leave you questioning its value and the lack of fairness in regards to what each party may have lost. I am recently divorced as of Sept. 2016 but the relationship was rocky for a very long time. Possibly it was rocky from the day it started. I seen the signs of heartbreak but believed that my love could potentially change him. Well I was wrong! Fast forward…two children later and a marriage of four years and he left for one of my previous campers. (Yes, I was her camp counselor) A year and some change after splitting and ugly court proceedings I began picking myself up from where he left me. This was one of my lowest points of my life. I gained my strength and independence back and finally got back on my own two feet. Six months after the divorce I have graduated from my undergrad, started Grad school, bought my first home, traveled to Dominican Republic and Disney for Christmas. All done in the span of six to eight months of me focusing on me. (That will be saved for another post) During the whole time I just wanted him to acknowledge his wrongdoings. Actually I wanted to just hear the word “Sorry”.  A few weeks ago the “Sorry” came and went. The heavens did not open up and the angels did not come pouring down singing as I’d hoped for. I knew it took a lot for him to say the word but I don’t think he realized the blood sweat and tears it took me to be able to accept his word. His word “Sorry” lead to my action of evaluating myself and continuing the healing process. As I’m always known for saying …at the end of the day don’t wait for the word “sorry”.  Apologize to yourself and begin the appropriate actions to change your frame of mind. We are responsible for our own actions and we play a tremendous role in how others treat us. “Sorry” is not the end it is the beginning of the forgiveness process and it all starts with you. The word doesn’t make the pain disappear it is an acknowledgement that something hurt you. I will take my “sorry” payments in actions from now on!

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