Papers

            The house felt so cold today. Even though it was twenty degrees outside, I don’t think the frigid air was the type of cold I felt. I felt so alone, although physically I wasn’t. My son Micah was there, but he wasn’t.  Mentally I have been torn down from the events from the past few years. Losing our son a year ago was the most traumatic of it all. But I just don’t understand him. I stuck by his side for years. A lot of women would disagree with the amount of foolishness I tolerated. I felt empty. Here I am with the most amazing little boy god could have created and once again I felt as though something was missing. He left because once again I kicked him out of “my house’. This having to be the fifth or sixth time. This time felt different though. I was hurt, but knew that I had to do something about it. I mean I love this man more than I love myself. Which is a huge problem. I have dealt with the multiple times he has cheated, lied, and deceived me. I have never judged him and remained as his confidant through his troubled times dealing with the court system. He was labeled so many times as the “bad guy” but I knew different. I knew of him as being very sensitive, caring, loving, and very attentive. Only thing is it hasn’t been that way in a while. He tells me on a constant basis that he doesn’t know how to love. To tell you the truth I don’t think most of us do. Women come the closest being the nurturer and emotional creatures that we are. The greatest love story, which is in the bible, consists of God showing his love by sacrificing his only son. How can any of us compete with such a story? Knowing how to love I believe is something that does not need to be taught. It is a basic human need, a feeling we desire. It something that we can’t see, nor taste, or touch but we all believe in it. Until one day we get burned. How can someone say they don’t know how to love? The day your first child is born the room is filled with it. You are overjoyed. I loved the fact that he was all of these things and more with our son, but what happened to me, your wife. Today I woke up to a beautiful smiling baby boy and a much more the complete husband. After showering my son with kisses and hugs, I caught him out the corner of his eye looking at me but he never spoke. He knew that I was looking at him waiting for him to respond but he never did. I don’t know if I was beginning to get used to the neglect but today was not the first day that he did not acknowledge me right in front of him. As usual he got up and began walking around the house as if to prepare for his day. Ever since I have met him he loved being out of the house. It was routine, as soon as his feet hit the floor he would prepare for his day. I enjoyed that about him. It was like him being a child all over again with the excitement of a new day. Only thing was I did not feel a part of that. Three months after we lost London there was such a huge disconnect. I felt, as I had to make the first move or be the first to greet in the morning. If I did not take the initiative then I could forget being spoken to. I felt as though I had died along with London in some many ways. So today was another initiative day. I guess once again I had to open my mouth and say something. “ You can’t say good morning” was my response to the earlier ignoring session. Little did I know that it was possibly the wrong thing to say? Obviously at that point he did not want to be bothered and me questioning him was not a part of his agenda. It has been a couple of months that I felt him being distant. I would speak to him and he would completely ignore me or act as if I wasn’t even standing in front of him. I would be a millionaire if I had a dollar for all the times I had to ask him if he heard what I said. I honestly can say I felt like he hated me. I would come home from work happy for one it was a new day and for two to see my two favorite people. Like he tells me constantly he just did not make me his priority. I truly understand people wanting time to themselves, but when in a relationship the other partner will eventually feel neglected. Sad to say but now that I think of it most of the times it annoyed him with me asking him questions in general. I am the type of individual that wants to talk about the situation at hand right then and there. I have learned though that everyone handles things differently and he was the type to walk away from the problem and then address it when he was ready. This was also one of the big issues in our relationship. I wanted to fix and mend everything and he wanted to hold a grudge and continue on with his day. Of course I continued on and on about how or why it’s such a problem for him to greet me in the mornings or be a little more attentive. He on the other hand felt as though the situation was minor and that I was nagging him as usual. I began to become frustrated at his nonchalant attitude towards my feelings and he just got more and more annoyed. He then walked into our son’s room and grabs a stack of fresh papers that he had stored in one of his sneaker boxes. I was looking at him as to what he could possibly be doing. Once he got the papers he threw them on our living room floor and said, “If you don’t like it then do something about it.” Flashback to just a week ago we just had a sit down discussion about the status of our relationship. He just recently moved back in and just had one of his famous smoking sessions in which it allowed him to tolerate a conversation with me. Of course I sat there pouring my heart out as usual about how I feel and what things we could do to improve our relationship. I could tell how much he hated these conversations but they were important to me. Normally I try to touch base on every aspect of the relationship including asking him how I could improve our sex life. Although our son was three months old we completely went past the six-week mark. I don’t even think he even looked at me in that way physically. A week before the conversation we were lovebirds trying to bring back the romance. It was the first time we had sex and it was two times in one night. I finally felt sexy or like a woman. That came to an end when we had spoken about our sex life when he stated “It’s boring.” I mean throughout my pregnancy I constantly addressed my need to still feel close and to fulfill my personal desires. Yes we women also have a sex drive. He just seemed very nonchalant. I mean I googled lack of sex during pregnancy curious as to see who else has dealt with this.  It’s interesting that there is a pretty high percentage of men that are either one afraid of hurting the baby, or two are turned off by the weight gain. I guess losing our son had a lot to do with it also and we were afraid that it could happen again but my doctor never said refrain from sex. So here I was listening to him tell me everything that I do wrong as usual. I guess he claims I do the same but I never made him feel less of a man. Just like men we have an ego and we want it to be stroked. Just an fyi, having sex and making your wife feel loved opens up doors and excitement in the bedroom. The more confident that your spouse feels the more freakier (I made this word up) or adventurous your sex life will be. Honestly the most excitement that I got through my pregnancy was reading fifty shades of grey. Our relationship was at its lowest point and divorce was coming up in conversations very often. So back to the papers that were tossed at me that was lying on the floor. I already consciously knew what the papers were but in my mind I couldn’t believe that he would have the nerve. Did he really just throw divorce papers at me after everything we have just went through and all the hard work I had put into this relationship? When did he go and get them? Obviously he had them stored in that box so what was he waiting for? Once again my soul was torn. I felt my blood rushing through my body and my stomach plummeted. How could he? Throwing divorce papers at me meant that either I was right about how I felt, which believe me all of us have a huge sense of intuition. If it doesn’t seem right it isn’t right. Once again it goes back to me and my saying “You can say you love me until your face is black and blue, but your actions are what truly matters.” I gave you two beautiful children, supported him through his life trials, and have given this man all my love. This is how he fucking repays me. I signed it.

 

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Papers

  1. Wow amiga.I enjoy reading your stuff I can understand and appreciate some of the personal things I read. Thank you so much,and look forward 2 reading more.

  2. OMG moment, I had to read this twice, really throwing papers as if you were a stranger or your feelings was of no consequence. All we want on this earth is to feel and know we matter. I could feel the pain, disappointment, betrayal all at at one time. It is not the same scenario but I have been there it is like you are speaking my voice.

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