Crocodile Tears

Today I cried! No I didn’t shed a tear, I shed crocodile tears. I knew this day would come but I had absolutely no idea. It has been exactly three months and eight days since I lost my son. I personally believe I had been doing so well dealing. I was still functioning but did not realize the real damage this situation has done to both my heart and my soul. Although I had not started any form of therapy yet, I have been writing and my creative juices have been flowing. I have been to a few services at a local church and went to a support group once. Since the day that I had found out the my son has passed, I had not had an emotional breakdown. Trust me I was concerned because I had thought to myself that this can’t be right. I must have some issues or something seeing as how I managed to continue functioning regularly. I thought that I had coped with the situation a little better because of my past experiences with a lot of deaths in my family. I don’t know if I was trying to show my strengths to everyone or trying to prove myself. I know one of the reasons was I was more concerned for how my husband felt rather than dealing with my own feelings first. I have not been alone since London’s death. As strange as it may seem I also had this sudden fear of darkness. During the night I recall myself having this sudden panic because of the darkness and being alone. I don’t know what it was but I began to associate darkness with death. I recall my chest tightening and me forcing myself to fall asleep so that I could wake up to a new day with light. It was so bad that I even became fearful of previews of the new scary movies that were coming out. How I associated my traumatic experience with scary movies I have no clue. I just wanted nothing to do with death. My husband was by my side the whole time in the hospital. So once we left I did not want him to leave my side. Honestly I enjoyed the fact that we had his mother stay with us for a week to basically help around the house. I needed others to be around because at this point solitude was my worst nightmare. I believe my husband had sensed this onset fear of mine and quickly adjusted to the role as my constant companion. He felt obligated to try to be around me as much as possible. With his mother present she made sure that we ate, the house was clean, and that I tended to my daily needs. My husband and I sat back dreading the day that she would leave to go back to Pennsylvania to her own family. We would have to face our nightmare and reality together alone. Or relationship prior to losing our son had faced my different trials and tribulations but this wasn’t just the icing on the cake this was the surprise birthday party! We have endure many things but this was yet another challenge that we had to face. This was only the beginning.  It was March and my husband had decided to take a trip for his birthday. If he could he would probably celebrate the whole entire month. Hey he was young and enjoyed hanging out with his friends. He asked if we could take a trip to Miami to visit some of his family and friends. Of course I was back at work and my time would not permit for me to go unless I called out sick for those few days. At first I was excited because I had never been to Miami and would love to meet his other family members, but I was just returning to work and had used all of my accrued vacation and sick time. What would I look like calling out after just returning from maternity leave? My husband did not want to hear it. Now that I look back I wish I had went. I wish I would have called out. Every woman I had spoken to about my husband being down there looked at me as if I had five heads. “You let your husband go down to Miami alone on Spring Break?” I originally thought nothing of it. I even went as far as to rent a vehicle for him and a friend to drive down. I felt confident that work was where I needed to be and he would behave himself and respect his family he would be leaving here in Springfield. So I told him to go ahead. I initially was fine with the idea but afterwards my feelings had changed. Now that I think about it I was so concerned with me agreeing to this break away. We both needed a stress reliever  but at that point someone had to work to pay the bills and that person had to be me. As I think back now we both needed a vacation. I rushed back to work back to my life style as if nothing ever happened. He decided to grieve differently and party his pain away, never once speaking his name or stating how he felt. So with my spouse in Miami for the week, this meant for me to learn how to face being all alone again. So what drove me to crocodile tears?  The first day after my husband had left for Miami, I had run in to a good friend of mine’s mother. This actually is one of the amazing women responsible for my strength and success today. This woman has known me since a pre-teen and helped shaped me in to the hard-working woman who I am today. She had met me for a meeting in which she was excited as usual to see me and the fact that I was doing well. We had seen each other a few times since I had given birth to London in which she was in the labor room holding one of my legs. She had experienced this traumatic event alongside me and since was concerned of my well-being. Her daughter was also a close friend of mine and at this point in time had disconnected herself and her spouse from spending time with my husband and I. Things were rough between us and many people felt like they were in between making it difficult to maintain friendships. Honestly I don’t think they understood  or will ever understand the toll just losing a child has on a relationship. Her mother had asked if we had spoken to each other. I believe at some point I had tried to reach out but received no response. I was told by her mother weeks ago that my friend had found an apartment with her spouse and that they had moved in together. I was extremely excited because that was a big transition for the two and it showed they were becoming even more serious as a couple. We would all hang out together in the past. My spouse and I being a more seasoned couple had lived together for a while. I had introduced this couple to each other about three years ago and they have been together ever since. The thing that I was about to hear I could not believe it . It wasn’t the fact as if I did not know that it was going to happen. The fact that her mother told me had bothered me the most. I felt as though someone had punched me in my chest and knocked the wind out of me. “You know she is pregnant?” Stated her mother. No of course not. I have not spoken to her. I wanted all but not to feel the way that I was feeling. I wanted to celebrate and be a part of their new beginning. London’s death and my experience would not allow me to. I used every ounce of energy to spare myself the embarrassment of crying on a Main St. I just got off of work and was extremely exhausted and now had to listen to news like this. First Beyonce and now her. I believe her mother had begun to notice the effects of the news she had just reported to me. She even began to give me that way too familiar head tilt and slight frown. The universal sign of sympathy or so it had become to me. I even recall all the medical care professionals  that I worked with during the course of this event displaying the same face. I was not upset at the fact that they were expecting. I was upset that they did not tell me. I just knew I had to find a way to cut myself from that situation and soon. My emotions exploded once alone. My mind began to run a thousand miles per hour. Thinking about everything. Replaying my traumatic scene. My body was so tense from my bruised heart and mind of envy. I just knew that they would go on and have a happy ending. Why the fuck did something like this happen to me? Why would God do something like this to me? Do they not want to be around me because I am cursed? Are they afraid the same thing was going to happen to them? I came to realization that this couple had ensured this experience with us and have seen me at my worst. All I could think of that moment was I wanted to be held. My husband was in Miami, My mother miles away, my father and I weren’t speaking so I had to face being alone. I had to face being alone and reliving my tragedy over and over again. One thing I learned from that day in particular was importance of support  consistently down the road. I had a great amount of support including my family whom I had kept my distance show a great amount of support when they received that phone call. The thing is most people don’t know what to say. This is something that is not supposed to happen. Everyone prepares you for the stressors that come along with becoming a new parent. The sleepless night, and the financial burden. No one speaks about the potential what ifs. It is such a worldly sensitive subject that you seldom hear about. I might have heard about stillbirth twice during my pregnancy and did not even attempt to read the chapter “Complicated pregnancies” in the pregnancy bible “What to expect when you’re expecting” until I had found out about my two vessel cord. There are no public service announcements, or conversations at prenatal visits regarding this issue  that terribly happens often. Some women may disagree with what I may say but I feel most of these women would like to speak at some point in there lives about their loss. I feel as though family and friends of either the mother or the father whom experienced the loss and supported them during the incident. Please understand that your support is not just needed at that tragic time but also for a lifetime. It is three months or six months or even a year later that they also need that support. Not matter if your child was just conceived and lost through a miscarriage or later as a newborn. No one person can determine your relationship with that child. Since my son’s death I have been to the mall (Baby heaven), spent time with an infant that is the same age my son would have been. It has been so hard on my husband and I to encounter people who had seen me pregnant and for them to ask how the baby is doing and the face I get is priceless after hearing my response. Or the look that I get now when they see Micah and try to do the math in there head.  It is a look that no one could ever forget. A look that constantly reminds me how something like this is just not supposed to happen? But it did and it happened to me! I would have given anything to have sleepless nights because of my crying child. Or walking around looking crazy because he would not let me sleep or tend to myself. Instead I have to face my experience head on everyday when I see people that had saw me during my pregnancy,or when I look at myself in the mirror naked seeing the stretch marks around my navel. The changes my body has gone through physically and emotionally without my son London.

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