I would Never…

My pregnancy with London was not my first. It was my second. Both were unexpected, unplanned, both tragic. Only my first was from my first real long-term relationship and it was terminated. I had an abortion at six weeks pregnant. Interestingly, now that I look back, a different state of mind can have you view things negatively. I thought that getting an abortion would be my answer and that it would give me back a clean slate.  My relationship was on the rocks and I justified it by the usual feelings of losing my current life. I was in school and working and just starting to figure shit out. Only to find out now that my whole life I am going to be figuring shit out. It was definitely a selfish act on my part as I look back on it now. I had my own space although with a roommate. I was about 21 or 22 years old. At that point in my life a few people I confided in made it as if it was the end of my current world. I was told there would be no life after that. My boyfriend at the time was cheating and was more concerned about him.  I on the other hand now that I look back, was so concerned about how he felt about me rather than the health and wealth of myself. The problem was I never thought that I could get pregnant. Here I was with this guy for five years and I never even had a scare. I was never a constant birth control user and figured hey if it happens, it happens. Well it did! I remember it like it was yesterday. I was working like crazy as a certified nurses assistant at a nursing home facility. I remember going home to my huge bachelorette pad split between a childhood friend of mine. I had kept an agenda constantly marking my period start and finish days on the calendar. So I knew that I was to be expecting one soon. That particular day I was having cramping as if my menstrual cycle was about to begin and I remember putting a pad on to protect myself if Mother Nature had decided to sneak up on me. The following day I had spotting so I thought I was in the clear. Only to notice it completely stop a few days later. At this point I understood my body was going through some sort of change and I needed to find out what it was exactly. At this point I decided to purchase a pregnancy test in which the results were negative. Actually within a span of three days and three other pregnancy tests they all were negative. With the confusion and all the stress I just figured Mother Nature was running on her own time. Instead of trying to self diagnose I decided it was time to take this issue to my physician. There at the doctor who at that point was still my pediatrician I was given a pee test, which also indicated that I was not pregnant. I knew that there was something else that needed to be done so the doctors decided to draw blood for the lab. This is the most accurate, especially when it’s too early to determine. It takes four weeks for you HCG levels to be up for you to get a positive test result on an at home pregnancy test. About three days later while working a seven to three shift I remember getting a call on my cell phone from my pediatrician. My stomach was in knots and my hands extremely sweaty as I waited for her to tell me the results. I stood by one of the huge windows that had a view of the staff parking lot. Pacing back and forth the pediatrician said the test was neither positive nor negative and decided I needed a few more days and then test again. So I just took the situation in my hands and figured I will wait a week and then try another pregnancy test. I remember the day that I got the positive I was in utter shock. I could not believe it. Things do happen when you least expect. My boyfriend and I at the time discussed having children but nothing ever happened. At this point in our relationship he couldn’t even stand being around me. This was just the beginning of me realizing how god works on his own time.  I was going through a ton of emotions and happiness was not one of them. I never thought at this point I would still be working as a nurse’s assistant. I wasn’t making enough money to raise a child. I wasn’t mature enough. What ever it was I truly thought up every excuse in the book to persuade my decision .My mind was made up.

 

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “I would Never…

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s