All I needed was a reminder! I may have left the hospital empty-handed but my heart was filled. Although at the time it was filled with nothing but confusion and anger, there was still love. I recall walking around my room when everyone had left, listening to the woman next to me comfort her crying child. I walked out of the room to get some ice, because my room felt dark and empty. No one came in our room to clean or even ask how we were. Even the professionals that went to school for years were at a loss for words. I guess during your residency they don’t discuss cases like mine. As I walked back towards my room, I recalled this symbol or card they placed on the door. It was of a leaf surrounded by a dark purple background holding a tear drop. After doing some research, the symbol is to represent intense loss and hope for the future. I still cringe every time I see this card hanging on the outside of someone’s door. I just want to go in and hug them and remind them that everything will be okay, and that this day will forever mark your heart and change how you view life and things. The leaf separates you from all the other rooms. I always considered myself different, but that day, I didn’t want to be. I wanted what everyone else had! The balloons, excited family , and a screaming crying newborn. My innocence was broken and a dream was shattered and I was left with a room prepared for a baby. I thought I was ready, I had everything materialistically, emotionally I’m not so sure. Relationship and support wise well, not so sure either. I walked back into my room alone not realizing this was the part of the healing process. I have abandonment issues, so I was forced to be alone. Forced to reevaluate my life and see what changes I was required to make…all doing so in solitude. No one knew what to say and I just wanted to be reminded that through it all, I am London’s mother!
If you don’t know what to say to someone who has experienced some form of fetal loss just remind them…
Am I sure I am ready for this?
Too late to turn back now, this can’t be God’s wish.
Am I strong enough to deal with a situation like this?
Seems unbearable but underneath there is underlying strength.
Am I in a dream or is this a nightmare?
A bit of both, so count your blessing even though not many are there.
Have I done all that I could do?
To blame is not the answer, especially not on you.
What does this make me after all I had suffered?
You are not just a woman, you are also a mother.