Bitter Black B$%^&…

According to my Ex, I would be the poster child for the definition of a “Bitter Black Bitch”! Like she said in the movie ‘Diary of a mad Black woman’, “I’m not bitter, I’m Mad as hell”! Why is it that when a black woman is disappointed or angry she has to be given a derogatory or demeaning label?  Are we not entitled to self-expression? I have experienced it not only in relationships but also within the work place. Is it because I am opinionated and say what’s on my mind?  Is it because you find me intimidating because of my melanin and strong disposition? I learned a long time ago, not to expect people to do as I do, but what happened to do unto others.  Some Black men are beginning to use the word “bitch” way to loosely, and as women we need to stop accepting these references. Am I bitter because of my dreams of you as my black man…failed? Am I bitter because I held you to a certain caliber  as I do for myself? Am I bitter because I wanted different, for myself, for us and our child?  I was let down through your continuous infidelity, while I maintained our home. I gave up everything including my career believing that we could make our family work. I was Olivia Pope, fighting for you in the justice system while working and going to school. Patti Labelle making sure you got your nutrition, while still trying to be “bad” and be a mother to our child. I may not have had the example of the picture perfect marriage, but I knew what love looked and felt like. I spent years playing the role of your mother, while depriving myself of a healthy meaningful relationship. If bitter is the term used for my disgust for your excuses. For every reason why everything you do is only a “try”.  I’m trying to be better through surrounding yourself with the same crowd, and barely holding down a full-time job. Never giving yourself time from relationships because the need is not love, you’re a materialist. Your someone whose soul is  empty but defines themselves by lavish things. A man who has never taken the time to find himself can never lead his family. So while you parade the town that I moved to, for you, with the next girl and her two children. I must have the conversations with my four-year old son, about what he observes is wrong. While being confused as to why you attend their events, when you haven’t even made your presence known for your own. Or while your supporting a household with two children and not coming through for yours.  I am disappointed because I held you responsible for making sure you do for yours first. That you would choose a partner that would make you a better man. Holding you accountable for being a role model to all the children, instead of only there for hers. Instead you choose someone who has no expectations of you. Your disrespect for the mother of you child is observed by your child. Then there are the women that find their man disrespecting another woman amusing, they are beyond clueless. Your insecurities exude throughout your portrayal of extreme confidence…or lack of. I was his wife and the women that gave him two children, if he doesn’t respect me, eventually what do you think he will do to you as a girlfriend.  I am angry that my son has to see his single black mother’s strength and question his fathers. At the tender age of only four feeling a need to protect and provide.  I guess bitter is the new better, because I had to pick up the pieces that you broke. I had to turn our house back into a home! I thank you for leaving me because I faced my fear of being alone. You reminded me that I could make it alone. The problem is, this generation of “Bitter Black bitches” we are becoming too independent. The trauma created by some of our  black men that we love, leave us with broken hearts. We carry the world on our shoulders, but there is always a tiny space in our hearts for the black man. As you can see the black women is on a rise. We “bitter black bitches” turned our angry into degrees, businesses, and became over achievers. While many of our black men are stuck. Stuck trying to find themselves, and hurting every woman they come across because they are afraid of themselves. After a certain age we all become accountable for our growth. With that being said, I take responsibility for who I decided to plant my seed with. As young black girls we are taught that relationships are hard but you just got to work through it. Love is not a struggle! It comes with ease but chose your battles. Disrespect, emotional abuse, physical abuse, cheating, lying, and deceit are things that will try to kill your soul. Be mindful that it is all a reflection of how you as a woman feel about yourself. I got angry when he called me this and lashed out in disbelief. This same man that saw me lose a child five years ago, had the nerve to perk his lips up to say this to the mother of his now four year old son. I am disappointed but I’m only responsible for my own role I play in this movie. So I will not feed into the negativity and the naysayers, Like my grandmother always said “They talked about Jesus, what makes you think they won’t talk about you!” Once I feed into your words, I am accepting them. I’m not bitter, I’m better. Better now that you left. Since you left I have gained so much clarity. So while you continue to build a relationship that started off with a fucked up foundation. I am building a foundation for my son that is beyond material. One of love, forgiveness, kindness, patience and all coming from the “bitter black bitch!”

 

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