The greatest love story as it is told, is Jesus and the crucifixion. I usually don’t like to talk about religion because its such a controversial topic. However, it is fitting because the loss of my son was a test of my faith. I have experienced loss at such an early age. It all began when I found my uncle dead at the tender age of eleven. Not only was I going through puberty, and trying to find my way through middle school. My innocence was broken, and I carried my uncle’s passing as a fault of my own. Interestingly, as I look at it from my perspective today, he died of an asthma attack. He was not able to breathe. Similar to my stillborn son who never took his first breath. I blamed myself for not responding quick enough because I heard the loud noise. The noise of his body hitting the floor. When I found him he was under his bed unresponsive and foaming at the mouth. No adults were home at the time, and I was afraid to act. I was not taught how to handle this kind of situation and did not know CPR at the time. That entire year or maybe two, I carried the burden of what if. I did the same thing when it came to London’s birth/death. What if I went to another hospital? What if I didn’t trust the physician’s word? What could I have done to not allow this to happen? The answer is nothing! During these trying times my faith was tested. Who is God and why would he allow me to endure such trauma or pain? I know he knows my heart, so why would he have me confront these situations? I have screamed at God on multiple occasions in anger, as I never understood what he wanted from me. Still until this day his answers may seem unclear, but I am more aware of his intentions. He has built me into this warrior, his own private soldier. I recall going to church as a young girl with my grandmother and I disliked everything about it. I remember the pastor asking for those who wanted to be saved to approach the altar or front of the church. I remember feeling so guilty when they would repeat the importance of asking God to come into your heart. As a young girl, I always had this intuition or acknowledgement that I was different. I have a pure heart and no matter how much I asked for it to change, he never fulfilled this wish. I would think in my head as the pastor was speaking, I knew God was already a part of me. I really was thinking if having God in my heart meant for my body to under go convulsions as if I were having a seizure…I was all set! Now as an adult, and after having my faith tested, I am more clear about this process. You may not agree with me but this is my perspective. Asking God to be in your heart is you seeking self. What I mean by this is,you are God’s child. You are made in his image and are the very piece of him. When you are on a path to seeking out the best form of oneself, you are seeking out God.  This process is written out for you in the bible with the crucifixion as the example. When you are seeking out your passion, your life’s purpose it requires uplifting of all areas of your life. This includes the physical, mental, and spiritual being that makes you. This process requires dedication and is a lonely path because you are the only one accountable for your life’s path. Not everyone around you is going to understand and you are going to lose many followers. So for the spirit of the first day of Spring… Look forward to your resurrection. I am not that fearful little girl anymore. I have endure so much death and pain in my life that I could only choose to live. I face today with the excitement of a toddler, looking forward to what God has in store for me. Endure the pain of the crucifixion today and prepare for your resurrection tomorrow. You’ll know when you there because you will be the talk of the town.



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