Londonsprints

London Kyrie,

Sometimes I sit back and wonder, if I was given one wish from God in reference to my time with you what would I ask for? The day you were brought into this world was bittersweet. I couldn’t wait to hold you but the pain of waiting for you just to show sign of life left me in a numb space. How selfish of me at many times in my life, wish to take my own life, live to see you not even have a chance at one. I knew you were gone the day I called the doctors. Standing in front of my bathroom naked staring at my lifeless womb. I felt empty. For days you fought to live, in an environment that was created in sin. Your father and I loved each other but did not love ourselves. I remember seeing the ultrasound at a thirty week appointment, praying you were a boy because you had your fathers feet. I prayed to you every night just to remind you that not a day passes I don’t think of you. I can feel your energy and spirit around me especially when I hear our song. I remember I used to sing Beyoncé “love on top” at the top of my lungs while dancing and rubbing my belly. I prayed for you. I prepared and was ready for that very moment. You made me realize that we are never truly prepared. I named you London because it was your fathers nickname from his friends. To be honest I have no clue why besides his Haitian accent which has no ties to Europe. Kyrie came from the high school athlete that was being drafted in the NBA. Plus we have a family full of the letter K. You were supposed to be our gift. Your love was to prevail the grief of us losing Gram, instead you passed exactly a year later. I wished there was something I could have done. I felt like I left you to fight a battle alone. I should have went to another hospital to get a second opinion. With every year passing I just remember the experience as a bad nightmare. When I was told I had to give birth to you, i was enraged. I had to undergo birth and labor pains to deliver my son who was already gone. It was not fair! I had to celebrate your existence and plan a funeral at the same time. Your father was so heart broken but knew I wanted a Christmas tree. When we left the hospital after hearing the news we rhode in the car in silence. He decided to go out and get a live tree and decorate it. That night after everyone left, we laid together in our bed cuddling with you in my womb resting peacefully. I was so afraid of what to expect, my fear was I would not connect with you. You were truly an angel! You had a few bumps and bruises but you were a healthy baby boy. I was overdue so you were weighing in at almost 8 pounds just like your brother.  There were so many people that were ready to love you but cried at the sight of you. You were a dream and a innocent life that had been taken too soon. I envied the women in hospital rooms next to me with the crying babies. I was special that day. I was the woman that lost her baby. I left the hopspital empty handed with stretch marks, a stitched vagina, and breast preparing for milk….with no baby. Three months later I found out I was pregnant with your little brother Micah! I felt guilty . I constantly reminded you that no child would ever replace you and he didn’t. I thought that once I had Micah that the bad memories would fade away. They didn’t. I was anxious, and asked by physicians to take anti depressants during my pregnancy. I gave the doctors hell and worried about every little move he made. You were born vaginally and Micah C section. Mommy got best of both worlds. When Micah was born I called him you. Everyone mixed up the poor child’s name. Every Birthday he has and every night we go to bed we pray for you. I am embarrassed at the way your father and I had turned out but grief and the loss of a child can make strange things happen. I wanted to know what your personality would be like or what would be your favorite food? Would Micah even be here if you would have lived? It has been almost six years and every 5th of December the nightmare begins. It brings about old emotions and pain from the grief we felt from losing you. So if I was to have just one opportunity to embrace you let it be in my dreams. My dream of you being embraced with the love of God and your grandmother Ruth. The whole time I was pregnant I was so upset that she wasn’t there to experience this chapter in my life. I know she is looking after you like she does me. Spitritually whatever was going on you decided that life just wasn’t for you yet. Just remember like I tell your brother I love you beyond the universe and heaven. A mothers love is undying and strong. I will and have never forgot you,as everything I do is for you and your brother.  One day we will meet again. Until then Rest In Peace London. Your footprints will forever be in my heart. #Londonsprints

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