A letter to my father

Dad,

Or maybe I should refer to you as Courtney, because the term doesn’t seem to be always be fitting. Iyanla always says, If you want to see the ending look at the beginning. You set the tone for the men in my life hence the luck I’ve had in relationships. My first love was with a man who didn’t know his father or love himself. You are the reason I give people so many chances. You changed. You changed on your own time after suffering from alcohol and drug addiction. You changed after loving my mother with your broken love, only to give other women the love she deserved. You gave up an addiction and learned to dress up your truth, and to conceal your darkness. You gave up being a parent, because you never really had one. There are six children of all whom have different mothers besides two, who experienced love with you part-time. I’m going to be honest, I always felt like you were doing what you had to. As opposed to doing what you wanted. I felt like a burden, your love for me was unique but definitely not unconditional. I did everything I could to make you proud of me. To get you to see that I yearned for your attention and affection. I lost my first-born son and have a four-year old and you were never present. But how can I expect you to be present for me, when you’re not present for yourself. The pain of your past haunts you because you have not chosen to heal your past wounds. I recall the day you mentioned to me the face of the nurse when she attempted to draw your blood. She was flirtatious and excited to have an attractive patient to draw. The conversation ceased as she realized the difficulty to draw blood from your veins. Your skin healed but underneath the abuse of your veins remained. Only a professional would understand why. Your surface was clean, but underneath you poisoned your seeds with the pain of your past. Your broken love and lack of self-knowledge has affected me as a 32-year-old woman. The karma you created set the tone for my life, only difference is I plan to fight. I married you. You couldn’t stand my son’s father, but he was a reflection of you. A lost soul hurting women with his broken love. Dragging others through their emotions while trying to find yourself.  I don’t blame you at all because you did only what you knew how and at your level of understanding. Each man I have dealt with carries some symbol of you. The abandonment, emotionally unavailable, and the “I’m not there yet but I will be back when I am”. You planted six seeds in cement. Each one only having a piece of you part-time. You are alive but never stood up for me, let alone walk down the aisle to give me away to a loving man. You are the reason I continue to find men who fall short of my basic needs as a woman. Every man who I encounter tells me that they can’t give me what I need. My insecurities bring me back to that little girl who wanted the emotional connection with her father. She wanted a man to show up. To be present. To love her unconditionally without her giving or doing. Out of all the women in your life, I genuinely loved you. My mother didn’t understand it, but its a bond between a father and daughter. You loved me the only way you knew how. I know now that I don’t have to accept that from men. I can love them but not accept the love they are willing to give. Especially if it is not feeding me. It has been years since we have spoken, and the seed you planted in the cement is struggling in love to flourish. Your grandson saved me. Where you and other men have left me wilted, he unknowingly waters me. Your children are what sustain you. They give you a purpose, I don’t understand why you would shut them out. I have learned to live without you, I’m all set with part time love. A love that ceases when I am wrong, expressing my emotions, or speaking my mind. I am tired of feeling like I need to do to receive something that should be given freely. Children should not have to ask for love. Human contact and love is proven to help children grow. This was denied to me by you because of what you were taught. You were my first love, the one responsible for showing me love and you left me heartbroken. My beginning will not be my end because I am aware of the pattern. I am breaking though the cement, and the cycle of broken love. I now know how to love from a distance, and to not accept a love that is not the love I need. to surround my self with love that feeds me and allows me to flourish. Just know that through all your flaws, your pain, and your past…your little brown girl always loved you!

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