Late-Night lookout

When in love, we do some really stupid things. I felt compelled to write about this incident as the other day I laughed about it. The shit wasn’t so funny when it happened. Life lessons… what stressed you back then will become humor to you years later. This is a hint and reminder that shit is not always as serious as we think. I wouldn’t call it love, it was more in a lack of love. Only those who feel insecure would act in such ways that I did that night. As I get older, I don’t want to involve myself in situations where I have to seek the truth of a spouse. I rather go with my intuition and to the suspected culprit and seek the answer. There is no need for the extent that I went through to find what I already knew. The unfortunate aspect was that I was nine moths pregnant. I was working at the jail in main security, with the primary responsibility to watch the cameras and answer incoming calls. It was another night of wondering what my son’s father was up to while working the graveyard shift. I called him and he had the ” I got an attitude because I have something I want to do” tone and clearly he did not want to talk. We were living in a fourth floor loft apartment with wood floors. I was ready to pop and deliver the baby but I had to make the money. Here I was nine months pregnant working while he was out “chilling” with some of his friends. While we were talking, I happened to hear some heels trotting against my wood floor on the other end of the phone. I don’t hesitate to say what’s on my mind, especially when it came to my home. I asked him was there someone in my home or was he walking around the house in heels being sarcastic. He of course got upset and hung up the phone. There was no reason why at nine months pregnant should I be dealing with that type of nonsense. But I was. I was enraged and wanted to get to the bottom of this. That night I became the pregnant detective. I called my supervisor and told them I had to leave. I probably said I was having contractions. Working in a predominately male environment, they wanted me to get the hell out of the jail before my water broke. It was three in the morning and I’m driving like a bat out of hell from Northampton to Springfield. I pulled in our gated apartment building directly outside of our building. I went to check on whether or not he was in the house…he was gone. I was furious and knew that nobody had business out at 3:30 or 4:00 in the morning. I was adamant on catching him so I decided to camp out in my SUV to see when he got home. I went in the house got some snacks and watched all the activity outside of our apartment that night. Every car that slowed down my heart began to race. I wanted to know who she was and why? How could he still be playing games after we lost our first child? Why the hell am I sitting here in this car pregnant and waiting, what could I do if I catch him? 6 am rolls around and my energy level is depleted. I done ran out of snacks and my body was exhausted. Very few cars came down the street and I started to lose hope in catching him. 6:59 am in  between me falling in and out of consciousness I see a mini van coming down the hill slowly. I didn’t expect for him to get out of a car like that but sure enough, 7:00 am he and Tasha stop right at the front of our apartment gates. I see them in the van share some hug or a kiss and he notices my car parked outside the gate. I guess they caught a glimpse of me and sped off. I was furious. Tasha the girl, was actually a friend of my close friend, which I actually found disturbing. I knew they talked every once in a while, but I never thought in that manner. I drove to a friend’s house crying telling them the secrets, I the detective had unveiled. I was determined to go back home and get some sleep. I wanted to know what the hell he could possibly say, since I caught him with my own two eyes. I turned the key to the house exhausted and still dressed in my correctional officer uniform, to find him standing looking pathetic in the nursery room. I could never forget the expression of guilt on his face. I was tired and fed up. This time though… I looked him in the face and I said nothing. He was lost. No yelling or screaming at the top of my lungs. Our Indian neighbors below us were well aware of our toxic relationship. They were united in love by family making the choice for them, we on the other freely chose each other and lacked the level of commitment. This was when I began to believe that love is not enough. I found out what he didn’t want me to know, another romance outside of our relationship. This time he didn’t deserve my words, not a breath or sound of anguish. I was pissed and I found what I was looking for …now what they hell was I going to do with this information? Seek and you shall find on a Late night lookout.

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