Anita Baker

I grew up listening to my mother sing Anita Baker throughout our home. I’m sure she isn’t aware of this, but my father and I agreed her voice was like an angel. I’m not exactly sure if this is the title of the song but I can hear on repeat “I apologize” (in my Anita Baker voice). Over the years my mother and I have had some rough patches, and a lot of misunderstandings. I was angry with her, for doing the best she knew how when it came to raising me. I am older now and have a child of my own, and better understand how hard it is to love someone when you don’t feel loved. I have seen generations of women in my family look for love while raising their children alone. Trying to find Mr. Right while playing the role of Mom and Dad. I am now aware that she did only what she knew how. I no longer wish things could have been different because she  helped to mold me into the woman I am today. Today, I got a taste of pain that I subjected my mother to as a teen and young adult. My son was angry with me over me denying him something he really wanted. He proceeded to tell me that when he becomes an adult he is not going to talk to me or visit me. To hear that come from my four-year old son was a punch in the stomach. I mean how could he say something like that to me when I sacrificed so much for him. I give this child everything and will go to the moon and back for him. I was hurt. Hurt that at that moment in his anger, He forgot or lacked appreciation for me as his mother. In that moment at four, he wanted to bring me pain. He was aware of how that would hurt me, and used it for me to acknowledge that I denied him of what he wanted. In that moment I got a taste of what I did to my mother for years. I felt selfish and ashamed at the taste of hurt I caused over the years. In that moment, I realized that I lost valuable time. So mom “I apologize” (in my Anita Baker voice), and vow to work through the frustration and pain. You sacrificed your life to give me life, everything after that was just extra.

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