Today I chose me…

While I write this very post, I am sitting at my desk crying.  For the last two days I didn’t want to do a thing. My life doesn’t allow me to take a time out, and mommy is not allowed an emotional break. I took a day off from work yesterday because again my energy has been drained. People have no idea what situations I have been required to face. People see changes within me but it’s not just personal growth, I have been fighting spiritual warfare as well. This post and my book will go over the heads of many, because we live in a surface society. My life and growth goes beyond the physical experience. I have been doing so much research and have been fighting between good and negative energy. Ten years ago, I married a man from a different culture. A Haitian man. Our cultural differences and genetic makeups set our relationship on rocky foundation from the beginning. The language and culture excited me, and opened my internal interest in the world around us. As time progressed I became aware of the effects of his upbringing and beliefs. I have said this in previous post, that as adults we are responsible for teaching ourselves how to reverse the wrong things we are taught. Although people may love us, the things they may have taught us may affect our very being. I thought that I could save him from the darkness. The grief and generational curse that runs through his blood. I fell in love with the innocent little boy within him. The boy who was not loved but physically hurt, the boy who was not feed. My internal light was dimmed by his darkness. My life with him was not normal, and me choosing to love him brought darkness to my life as well. When we first met, he told me he was Catholic. Most Haitians consider themselves Catholic. However, voodoo is still being practiced within their culture. The flag they wave is symbolic to the practice and it is tattooed on his chest. The very ones that said they loved him taught him to dabble and make deals with the devil. Deals in which has affected his life and our life as a family. His blood runs through my son’s veins. Now that I am aware, it is my job to save him. His life is so dysfunctional but has become normal to him. The last few months, I have been brought to war with his demons. My sleep has been interrupted, and women I don’t even know wish me dead.  He was not living right, but I tried to show him otherwise. He became accustomed to the dark. The women he attracted practiced possessive bindings. Other women supported his life, the ones that benefited. Me on the other hand , I held him accountable. I wanted better for him. Better meant or required discipline and going against all he was taught. He made it clear to me today that he is too far gone. Energy is real both good and evil. There is another level of life outside of the one we live. The last two days I was sinking into the darkness, the dark that I once lived in. My life was at peace because I did the work. The negativity I had encountered was not my own. I was being spiritually attacked, pained for someone else karma, an innocent bystander. Now that I am aware or spiritually woke, I will continue to protect myself and my son. Creating life is beyond the physical, and genetics. There is a history behind every individual, a story that will be written in your child’s cards. Another word press blogger wrote about “Emotional Endurance” and Loving the unlovable. God has shown me my strength is beyond the normal humans level of understanding. I was called to not just save lives but souls. So many may ask why help this man. I married this man and vowed to be there through sickness and health. His spirit affects our child. I sacrificed the last ten years of my life trying to save his soul to the point that I almost drowned in his darkness. Today I chose me.

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