Clean Space …

Anyone that knows me, knows that I love my space nice and clean. From studio apartments to becoming a homeowner, my living space is my sanctuary. A house is not a home without the energy that is placed in it. Before I bought my current home, and after my divorce,  I redecorated my two-bedroom apartment I once shared with my son’s father. This was important to me as I had to rid myself of the toxic energy we filled our home with. Love didn’t live there anymore, but while I resided there, I made it a point to rebuild a new love there.  I am the woman who doesn’t leave to go anywhere without her home clean. Vacations, work, or just a night on the town, coming home to space and clear energy is important to me. My home decor and scented candles add the touch of serenity, and peaceful vibe. Depending on what visitors I may have had that day, you may even catch the stench of previously burned white sage. That when I have to clear out the negative vibes. My window sill holds a rose quartz crystal, that is placed directly in sunlight to invite a loving environment. Everyday it is not like this. Being a mother to a crazy, energetic four-year old, and all the other titles I withhold, maintaining this household can seem impossible. I manage, because my home is a reflection of my head space. When my space is cluttered or unorganized my creativity ceases to exist. I don’t feel like myself. It’s as bad to me as having the wrong outfit for a big event.

mommys mom

This week, my mother decided to come down to visit her grandson. My house was clean but it was not orderly. I went to the office as usual on Thursday and made sure I instructed her not to do anything while I was gone. We attended happy hour at a local restaurant with my little one in attendance. Micah was so happy to go to happy hour, he was looking forward to seeing some excitement. My poor child kept asking the waiter is it happy hour yet, he was disappointed when he realized he was unable to partake in the adult festivities. After dinner we headed home. Upon entering in my home. it is routine for everyone to take their shoes off. I have carpet throughout my home, so this maintains the carpet between the cleanings. I walked throughout the house to see everything neat and orderly. The house was not a mess before we left, but laundry and my room were always a bit out-of-order. My mother who is not always physically well, took the time to make sure my house was just the way I liked it. I had to tell her how much I appreciated her help, as this was a gift that I truly appreciate. I don’t ask for much, but when people take the initiative to do things for me without asking, mean the world to me. I had to express my appreciation for what she did, and told her how much that meant to me. Her face lit up knowing that she did something to ease my busy life/schedule. As I walked through the house, I realized the symbolism of this very act. It wasn’t about the fact she spent her whole day organizing my home. It was that finally my relationship with my mother was a clear space and at peace. You see, we never had a good relationship during my teens and early adulthood. The maximum amount of time we could spend together in a room without arguing was an hour. There was always so much tension and anger from the past that we just could not move past. I didn’t understand her decisions and choices as a child, and she felt me voicing my opinion was a form of disrespect. As a mother now, I understand she did the best she knew how. Our relationship is not emotional and there is little to no affection. She explained to me her experience with her mother and how she tried differently with me. My grandmother was not the type to say “I love you” or hug and kiss her children or grandchildren. My mother yearned for this, but once she had her children she slowly showed her form of affection. My mother does say “I love you” but the physical aspect is very limited. As a mother, I am more affectionate with my son because of this.  I had a successful week with my mother because I decided to change the way I dealt with our relationship. I forgave her for my experience that I had with her, and learned to accept her for who she is. Not the mother I wanted her to be. When we focus on who we think someone should be, we bring more attention to their flaws or the attributes they lack. This blinds us from seeing the positive aspects of the individual. Her clearing my space was beyond organizing my home. She made room and space within my head and heart to grow. When we have these toxic relationships with loved ones, they can put a halt into our growing process, and limit our ability to love. She cleared a space that no longer is cluttered with negative experiences and resentment. I am able to view her as she is right now. My desire to change for my son, and his innocent love, has allowed a space for all those who love him to grow.  We came together for one purpose, and that’s to show and love this young black boy to the point where societies view of him will not validate him. Instead his cup will be filled with love, and his space will be clear to allow him to flourish to the best of his ability. So since my home was clean, I was able to organize and sit and share this with you. If I were to die tomorrow, I would be content with the extent of effort I put into my relationship with friends and family. A lot of people leave this world with cluttered spaces of pain from their past. Not being able to say the things they wished they could have said, if only they took the time to clean their space.

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