Second time strangers…

Strangers-Again

Happy New Year! I swear time is flying by. This weekend, I made a spur of the moment decision to go visit family for the holiday. Such a great decision it was. I was feeling such extreme joy to spend time with such positive energy, my anticipation was overwhelming. This year I have committed to doing all the very things that make me happy, and what better way to kick off the year’s transition with friends and family.  With the New Year only hours a way, the eve produced a challenge that I had no idea I would be confronting. I had a falling out exactly a year ago with a friend of over 15 years, which ended with a lack of understanding or resolution. I though that at this point that I had accepted the fate of the relationship, until I was notified that I would be attending the same event with these second time strangers. The energy I had towards being in the same space after a year was charged negatively to the point I was ready to drive back home, from Massachusetts to Pennsylvania. After being made aware, I was frustrated with the lack of time I had to amour up energetically to not be emotionally attached to the outcome. However, my frustration with the lack of clarification and resolution really did not allow me to ignore the “elephant in the room”.  I spent at least an hour trying to make a decision on how to handle my emotions, and make a decision on what was best for me. I recently realized this with my hundredth time reconnecting with my son’s father, that only through interaction will I see the progress of my healing and forgiveness. Healing in solitude is easy, but only through socialization will you be able to test your progress. With him I still have work to do, but in the case of the second time strangers, the chapter has closed. Within that hour, I created and acted out every possible scene that could have occurred. I planned on drinking during the event and was afraid my openness could transpire into a physical altercation. That was not who I was, but who I have become is a person who believes everyone deserves at least me to remain cordial. I mean Cardi B told everyone, “If you see me and I don’t speak, that means I don’t fuck with you.” but is it ever that serious? After speaking to my son’s godmother and her husband, they unclouded my perspective and really tuned me into making the appropriate decision for myself. Who I was, used to run from conflict. Who I am now stands in her power, and truth by remaining true to who I am. I decided to stay. If I left, I would be giving my power away. I guess it angered me that the length of time we were as friends, that an understanding was never sought out. I guess I could have been the bigger person, but felt the relationship must have never really meant much to any of us. The reality is EGO stood in the way of both parties. I don’t suggest this, but I drowned down three cocktails prior to the reunion. I had to kill the butterflies and expectations. The two second time strangers greeted everyone upon their arrival. The first says “Hi” with eye contact the other “Hi” with the side eye. The worst part was over and it was nearly not as bad as I though it was. The part that shocked me was the disconnect with my son, who they watched come into this world.  We are taught as children in school and by our parents to not speak to strangers. Beware! You don’t know them and they can be potentially harmful.  What about the second time strangers? The people who participated in your evolution, those you have given love and intimacy too. Those who you may have shared your dreams and fears with. These are the second time strangers. Those who once were strangers, then people you knew, and due to unforeseen circumstance, became people you did not know all over again. The night confirmed that we have grown apart, and also confirmed they may have thought they knew the person that I once was, but they were strangers to the woman I have become. In a year, so much has changed for all of us. One thing I was curious about was did she know the rose he gave to her for last Christmas, was my idea. That I reminded him that she deserved to be acknowledged that day. I know she knew because she looked at me that day as if she knew I had something to do with it. I played like I didn’t, but I did. Death has taught me the value of life and relationships. This year I have learned that not all relationships that end need to reconciled. We closed a chapter that day in Disney on Christmas. New Years eve was the confirmation. I appreciate the experience and love I received while the years lasted. There are so many emotions that you experience in your encounter with second time strangers. For me, it was a sense of peace. For death has taught me to do the best you can, and give your all in your relationships. There is not one day that goes by that I don’t let my loved ones know they are loved and appreciated.  So next time you run into your second time stranger, just remind yourself they may have known you, but they have no clue who you have become, and give thanks to them for their participation in your evolution. My first challenge of the New Year was a success, universe bring it on, what’s next?

The hurtful truths of a girl on a self-love journey…

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