Freedom

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I recall questioning why a woman experiencing domestic abuse would stay. I would watch a film or hear horror stories of women in emotional and physically abusive relationships. I always wondered what they were thinking. I always said that I could never be “HER”. For ten years, I gave pieces of my power away, and created a debilitating cage of fear. I confirmed and made an agreement with myself, with every malicious or loving word that spilled from his lips. He confirmed the very things that I unconsciously felt about myself. I fed onto his promises as opposed to his actions. Until recently, had I broke away from the vicious cycle. I decided that enough was enough, and finally made a decision to do something for myself. I left everything I knew and worked hard for, all to escape to my freedom. Last year, I purchased my first house around the holidays. A huge three bedroom home for just my son and I. This year, I became aware that I was living someone else’s dream. Unconsciously, fulfilling someone else desires of me. I am currently sitting in a one bedroom apartment writing this blog. I rented my home to make a transition and was told by the court and my ex-spouse that I am unable to relocate. That cage of fear door has finally opened, but I haven’t prepared myself to fly out just yet. I have seen the pain of one’s life being in the hands of another from seeing my ex-spouse in criminal court. His fear of his freedom at the fate of bad choices he made and company he kept. He was at the point of suicide weeks prior to his sentencing. The stress of the process took a toll on him and made him aware of his every move. He really believed he was innocent and so do I. At first, I felt like the victim. I did nothing illegal to deserve this treatment, nor have I ever had to answer to anybody about my personal life’s decisions. My son was born in Massachusetts and was raised there until he was one. His father came around enough for me to choose “making my family work” and I uprooted us to Pennsylvania. No one questioned me at the time about my decision, except for loved ones. They saw how hard I worked in healing and making a life for my son and I. They showed a true concern for my relocation to his town of support. I asked God to make my family work, and he did show me exactly that. He gave me what I asked for, but showed me that the family could work, just dysfunctional and not how I would desire. Fast forward, I am under the same stress while raising a five year old son. Originally I had thought to myself that he was trying to control my life, put a hurdle in the way of my goals. However, I came to the understanding that he can only get in the way if I allow him. I created this space in which I allowed his negative energy to block my dating life, professional life, and self-love. Those women I could not understand, I now do. They forget how powerful they are and fear cages them from flying to their freedom. The court system is slow and when someone’s life is on the line it is better to play it safe. Freedom can be an ugly journey, but the only person that will fight for you is you. You have to save yourself. It all begins with the mind and moving beyond all the fears that block you from moving away from all that is holding you down. Including a toxic relationship. It may take a while because your power was diminished piece by piece, but it is possible to regain. Once you have it, you will realize that no one can ever take it unless you give it to them. You will see that the cage door was always open, waiting for you to get the courage up to fly out of your fears. The court may have say over where I’m going physically, especially in regards to my commitment to my son and custody agreement. They however have no power over where my life is going, nor over my dreams. Its unfortunate that my poor choice of company five years ago, lead to a life long commitment. Its embarassing as he is the reminder of the girl I used to be and the very man I don’t want my son to be. He pushed me out of the cage and has forced me to fly on my own and for that I am grateful. He has reminded me of my power, that very light he tried to dim. My freedom came when I changed my mind.

The hurtful truths of a girl on a self love journey…

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4 thoughts on “Freedom

  1. Beautifully written – I am sorry for your struggles, but I love how well you put it all in perspective. It reminds me of the saying, “What if I fall? Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?” Best wishes to a free 2018!

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