Yesterday and today was another fight with the old me, and the woman I am becoming. I recently connected with an old “guy” friend, who I looked forward to hanging out with on my next business trip. I cut him off very briefly after inquiring “what are we?” around my birthday last year. My intuition had been kicking my ass a few times per usual, but I still refused to trust myself. After a few chats with the spiritual family and some thorough thinking, I decided it would be best for me to not reignite that flame. You would have thought I would have learned my lesson by now, but at least I am aware. As I have stated in previous post, healing is easy when done alone, but only through socializing will you realize how far you come. It is true, that if you want to see how something ends, pay close attention to how it began. I didn’t realize it but my insecurities were written all over me. Also, being a single mother, boys playing to be men tend to flock towards us. Single mothers never really have the desire to take on the occupation of raising their child primarily alone. I’m sure 99.9% of women would have denied that sign up. However, our desire for family and nurturing traits make us susceptible to attracting man-boys. They identify our immediate desire for family and lack of time for bullshit. So that means many of us are the “all or nothing” type. Sometimes our judgment becomes clouded because someone is finally just “showing” up. So what the hell does a restaurant have to do with this? My spiritual family, constantly reminds me of the law of attraction. I think it is amazing that I am on this evolutionary journey, but I get tired of over thinking and being so hard on myself. They reminded me that life is like a trip to a restaurant. In that restaurant, I can open this menu of unlimited desires and ask for exactly what my heart wants. Unfortunately, I am still the girl who is asked what would you like and respond with “whatever” or “what do you plan on getting”. Only to end up pissed off and unsatisfied with what I am served, and refuse to ask for something else.
My dating life has been like a restaurant trip. My first love taught me all the things I wanted and did not want. My marriage was the relationship that shot most of my desire rockets. Even when others treat us wrong, they teach us exactly what it is that we do want. After my marriage and my half ass healing, I went to the restaurant and ordered again and again. I am not a fan of red meat but like to enjoy a good piece of steak every now and then. I ordered steak every time at this restaurant because I had a taste for one. Each time I ordered there would be something wrong to the point I did not want to eat it. First time it was rare, second time medium rare, third time overcooked, and they all were exactly what I ordered. Steak. I never told the universe how I wanted it. There was times when the plate was nicely dressed and the food presentation was desirable. The taste however was not to my liking. Just recently, in my personal life had I finally had the guts to ask the waiter to take back my order. I mean I had all these weird ideas of what would happen or what they would do because I gave them more work. I would spend my hard-earned money and just accept things that were given to me. Not what I ordered or wanted. There is that fear of letting go of the what is given to you. I was told to appreciate whatever is given to you, but what if it’s not what you’ve asked for. I feared that if I didn’t entertain him, that I would miss out on the possibilities of what he could be. He was good on paper, and good in bed. I can say that truly clouded my judgment, but is fifteen minutes worth a year of growth and development. Temptations got the best of me. I can’t teach women about self-love and be a contradiction to it myself. So instead of the steak. I decided to say fuck it and go vegan. If I want something different, I have to try something different. Be aware that just because you have evolved doesn’t mean that you will not continuously be tested. He reminded me that me and my intuition still have some work to do. I have yet to learn to instinctively trust myself. With that information, how can I learn to trust someone else? We can’t ask for others to provide to us the very things we are incapable of providing to ourselves. My next visit to the resteraunt, I am going to order something that is market priced. Something that I feel I am unworthy of obtaining, In the meantime, my job is to continue working on me. Learning to not except what is served to me unless it’s exactly what I ordered off the menu of life. The great thing about life is that everyday is another opportunity to become your best self, and to make another choice if the original choice isn’t working for you. Excuse me waiter, I need to make another selection.