My mother was always concerned for me because she believed that I was more book smart than street smart. As years have progressed, that theory of me no longer remains. I have always been an extremely emotional person and have even considered myself an “empath”. I would pride myself on my emotions, and still feel strongly about the importance of them. They are our internal indicators but sometimes can result in poor decision-making and effect our logical thinking. Today reminded me of Groundhog day. or even the Netflix film “Naked”. You don’t have to see the film to understand the concept of the movie. It is about a man who keeps reliving the same events over and over of his wedding day. It begins with him being Naked in an elevator from his crazy bachelor night prior, to his wedding day. He gets caught into a time loop over and over again, encountering the same events, and people throughout the day. Today was Deja vu of exactly what my life was like in 2016. Only this time, I was proactive and not reactive. See people tend to forget about this university called life. Just like school, every lesson you are required to graduate from before moving on to the next stage. Many people are experiencing Groundhog Day instead with other people and differing events, but similar lessons to be learned. I was stuck in the pain and reopened the wound this summer only to repeat and be time warped back to 2016 the year of my divorce. 2016 was the time my ex-spouse decided to move another woman from my hometown to the very place he uprooted me to. Well technically I made that decision for myself, but was under the impression I was doing what was best for my family. I was an emotional mess, because the very man I protected, was the same man to cause me pain, and that was the turning point for me. I thought the Divorce was the end of this battle with him, and believed he did enough to try to kill my soul, but was I wrong. I realized that I was not dealing with someone normal, but rather a narcissist, that had nothing but time to mirror his feelings of himself upon me.
A year ago, I decided to take him off the initial child support agreement because we were co-parenting with no issues. He would make comments about how he wanted to know where his support was going, so I made him responsible for half of our son’s tuition. If you have not endured Divorce, it is an extremely ugly battle between two people who once loved each other, that at some point turned into hate. Not always the case but this occurs for most. They said its a thin line, and to be honest, this is true. Our relationship thrived and blossomed during trauma, in our hapiness we fought the most. We were two people who felt unworth of life’s blessings. When you’re not married and have a commitment with someone such as a child, you don’t necessarily have to involve the courts unless you cannot come to a mutual agreement. Once married, it is a requirement wirth the divorce process. A once intimate relationship that involved just the family, then becomes the business of the court and the county. As black women, I see on social media, women post their pride in not receiving assistance from their child’s father. It is like that awards them as the mother of the year, for their independence and lack of support. I don’t deny them of this, but realized that raising a child is not solely meant to be done alone financially, physically or spiritually. Now if the father is abusive to the child and neglectful, that is a whole other story. I decided that it was time to revisit this option as his father was not withholding his commitment to his son. I pay tuition, housing, insurance, and extra curricular activities solely myself. For the past three years his father remainder unemployed and would play the court system and me. It’s unfortunate because there are fathers out their, that actually are doing for their children and women take advantage due to their emotional baggage they haven’t unpacked. However this is not my case. Today in my time loop he repeated everything that he has said in the past. The lies and other spiteful things to diminish me as the primary parent. “She is mad that I don’t want her, that is why we are here.” I had to chuckle to myself, because my only concern was I had fallen behind on my son’s tuition payments with all of my additional responsibilities as a homeowner, and single mother. I actually felt bad for him, because he is stuck. Stuck in the same space that I met him 10 years ago in which I thought I could fix. He appeared in all black, which was a symbol of the darkness that is clouding him. He never could give me eye contact because the child in him knew of the guilt he felt in his adult body. I provided every document required to state my claim, while he remained empty-handed with not a paycheck stub to be found.
I used to get frustrated with the idea that I had to prove to the courts what type of parent I was. This actually is not the case. You see, when you do all things in love and are living life in your truth, there is no need for proof. A blind man could read between the lines of every word that came out of each of our mouths. I have felt guilty so many years for his circumstances, and feel uneasy as he is a reflection of someone I chose years ago. I tried over and over again thinking that my son would only be complete with all three of us as a unit in the same home. I wanted what I did not in my childhood. So I did everything to make it work. A man on his current level today, I wouldn’t give the time of day! It hurts to see that he is the very man, I don’t want my son to become. I feel for the black man, and all of his struggles. To a point we as black women and mothers are coddling some of them and restricting their growth. Some of us women stand in the way of their karmaic debts and keep them at Groundhog day while we suffer as the accomplice. I stayed with him for so many years, because I didn’t want to abandon him like his mother. I eventually realized the love he was searching for could not come from me. He was looking for his mother to save him, but at this point he can only save himself. We are placed on this guilt trip when it comes to our men. We are to protect them and be their peace. But what about the black woman? I fought years in court for his freedom. I think he forgot who was behind all that administrative work. Court dates, paperwork, witnesses, and putting money on his books only to be standing with him in court to fight for whats right for our child. See, the girl years ago used to love this man more than she loved herself. Then she realized that she had to love herself more, not only for herself but to be a good mother to their child. I was the woman who stated she only wanted one man for her children, and believed that to be the right way. I no longer believe this is true. As women we sometimes leave the door cracked hoping for the day that he will change, and that day may never come. I closed the door that last time he got close enough to put his hands on me. I pray for his happiness so he can become a better father for our child, and leave me the hell alone. Today, I found clarity outside of my emotions. I was even able to find him entertaining to say the least. I found it humorous that he appeared with the coat that I bought him. Everything I gave him he still holds onto. I no longer take what he says personally because he is fighting with himself and despises me for my growth. He can no longer curse me with his words because they no longer have value here. As women we worry about the man moving on and becoming the person he wasn’t for you. Many times they don’t change, they change who they are with. I feel for the next victim because who he chooses is a reflection of who he is today. I pray for her confidence, and ability to see clearly. As any man who is willing to disrespect the mother of his children, will eventually do the same to you. I pride myself on advocating for my son and I, even against someone I believed was family. Just a friendly reminder: It’s not nice to make an enemy of someone who truly knows you, with my level of intelligence. A woman of my caliber is dangerous, and many are aware. People see your power, before you see it yourself. A little hood, but educated, and a heart full of gold. I’m not the type to start a fight, but when it comes to my son and his growth to become a well-rounded young black man, your asking for war. It is beyond the money. It requires more than money to support the child, advocating for your childs developmental, physical, and spiritual growth is true child support.