There is so much power in letting go! It took me a while to recognize it, but I felt the need to share my story. People have no idea how I conceived Micah. I mean beyond the sexual activity that I had to partake in. I mean on a spiritual level, his conception was divine timing. I always get a laugh from my friends when I tell them he is the easy bake oven baby. He was made on a rooftop of a hospital in less than four minutes. His father and I decided to do things the right way this time. We became so close after the loss of our son, that we decided to get married. The closeness wasn’t healthy. In fact I clung to him for the fear of losing him as well. Within two years I had lost both my grandmother, my newborn son, and the thought of losing him made my emotional grip even tighter. Micah was the gift that we received as a result of me letting go of all my fears. As most mothers do, I spent months preparing for London right up until my due date. I spent time preparing his nursery and shopping for all his needs. I even got a new apartment, and cleared out the negative energy of some family and friends. I did what I thought I was supposed to do in preparation of my new title as a mother. When he passed, I spent days in my apartment, with visitors coming in and out to check on our wellbeing. I became so comfortable with all of the company that when alone, I became afraid of darkness. My husband at the time did his best to make sure I was never alone, and one day while at work, I did the unthinkable.
I called my best friend at the time, to tell her to bring her cousin by to take everything out of the nursery. At the time her cousin was about five or six months, and was the only other person I knew expecting. I really wanted to give everything to a person that greatly appreciated it, and she was the first person that came to mind. I just wanted it all out of my house. I got sick of physically looking at my dreams shattered but nicely arranged like a museum display of what life was supposed to be. A quiet nursery, that screamed the very pain that I felt within. My girlfriend at the time, thought I was losing it. She asked me multiple times if this was something that I wanted to do. One thing about me is that when my mind is finally made up, that is it. There is no turning back for me. One thing I regret is not talking to my then husband about it at the time. Then again, if I did, he probably would have talked me out of it. I watched as they removed everything from my home piece by piece. To be honest once everything was gone I don’t recall shedding a tear. My husband and I got into a huge argument that evening when he got home. He wanted to hold on, and I was ready to let go! People said not to get rid of it because you will have another child. Or, “put it in storage so you don’t have to prepare when the next child comes. Why would you do that?”. The answer is for my sanity. I slowly, opened up to holding other babies, and celebrating the life of other couples and their newborns. I still hurt from the loss of my son, but I no longer wanted to be stuck on the events of Dec 2011.
Three months later, I ran into my best friend’s mother while leaving an attorney’s office. She proceeds to tell me that one of my best friends were expecting at the time. I sat in my car for at least an hour crying crocodile tears, not even aware that I was pregnant myself. March of 2012, I found out I was pregnant with Micah. My husband and I at the time were grieving in our separate ways. Him though partying and bullshit, me through facing my demons head on. I call to tell him the news of the conception of our second child, and to my surprise, he asked me what my plans were. Neither of my pregnancies were celebrated, but there was no way I would even consider an abortion of a child after losing one. In our physical bodies, we are more inclined to physically or mentally hold on to things. The power in letting go is letting God or the Universe know you have faith. We continuously try to play in these roles, trying to control every aspect of our lives, only to find much of this life we have no control over. The power of letting go is knowing that there is something more for you. Letting go is allowing space for the new. When we hold on through trying to control, we lose or power, only to allow the situation to end up controlling us. When we let go and surrender the power of trying to control, and allow what is for us to be received by us, life becomes much simpler. What is meant for you, will always be, and nothing that is for you can be taken or compromised by anyone but you. There is so much good in change and miracles that occur when you realize the power of letting go. Holding on through action is backed by fear. Letting go and doing so with love, only life changing situations can occur. When we hold on to events, people, and circumstances we are stunting our evolution. Forcing what we thought was meant to be, as opposed to what is to be. I have learned that no matter what the circumstance is I will let it go, always realizing that whatever the outcome, I will be okay! Letting go is my silent physical prayer to God + or the Universe, letting them know that I trust them even when I can’t see what they are constructing behind the scenes. Let Go!