Reader discretion is advised. My life has been a rollercoaster lately, so I decided to grab a front row seat. I strapped myself in tightly and threw my hands in the air. I have been inspired by so much lately, but could not find the way to put it into words to share within the blog. I have been fighting with authenticity and content to share. I told myself that I wouldn’t write unless I allowed myself to be vulnerable with my audience. The first thing that popped in my head was my most recent conversation with my 🍆 appointment candidate. After going though a divorce and returning back to the dating scene, most people are not looking for anything serious. For many women unfortunately, that aspect of themselves gets closed off due to the emotional trauma of heartbreak. For men, it appears it is much easier for them to move on, especially when they have no interest in self evolution or reflection. I recall seeing a group of single mothers in a group discussing the last time they had sex. I was traumatized by the fact many of them said since the birth of their child. Mind you their child or children were damn near in middle school. Sensuality and sexuality for women is frowned upon as a woman becomes a mother. If a woman falls into societies standards, she may allow this aspect of her to die alongside her intimate self. I was in a relationship for ten years. I stepped out once when we were dating. This means that I was dedicated, and loyal to the same 🍆. This is great… however many times in marriage, sex can really become complacent if the two involved do nothing to save that aspect of their relationship. Yes, your sexual relationship/intimate relationship with your partner requires nurturing. Anyways, I met this guy who was mentally stimulating and also a great sexual experience. We had this on and off again, when we link up, if I’m in your town, after hours/on my weekends without my son type situationship. One thing that I noticed being on the dating scene is that men tend to think single women are desperate. In a way I can see where this could come from, because I once was her. They would perceive the woman’s desire for family and need for a balance of testosterone as desperation. Many men pray on the vulnerability as strong as the women appear and portray themselves, the desire for a male figure is a soft spot for many.
I was never built for the multiple guy lifestyle nor laying up with someone I’m not interested in. I have to be mentally stimulated as sex is beyond the physical for me. I can honestly say that I had upgraded myself in the fuck boy status, as I never knew they come in so many different types. I have met ones with degrees, and suits. Ones that spoke multiple languages and traveled the world, to partial vegans, socially “woke”, and considered women “queens”. In my journey of hurtful truths, I have realized that the upgrades were just a reflection of my healing journey. Unfortunately ladies we are who we attract. Being on the dating scene allows us to see our progress.
So back to the convo with the candidate. Basically he friend requested me on social media after I intentionally blocked him as I started to realize that our situationship was a waste of my time. He tempted me like the apple did Eve by trying to catch my attention. A couple of months without the 🍆 will have your emotions controlling your decisions. After multiple DMs back and forth, he concluded that my request for him to check in every now and then was a bit too much for him to provide. He stated that wouldn’t be genuine and he assumed that I found him more compelling than he obviously did me. It bothered me for a few hours as I felt like I was being rejected after being pulled in again. Being on this journey doesn’t make me more appealing either. I make men think, and hold them accountable, while most women they have dealt with can’t hold a conversation but their twerk game is serious! I actually haven’t thought about this person within the last few weeks and figured another one bites the dust. After self-reflecting I realized that it really wasn’t worth my time. We as women, if not careful, become a dumping ground for men. There is no intimacy in “fucking”. Zero, zip, nada. Matter of fact it is animalistic, and is an emotionally detached spiritual release. Being single is already tough, everyone thinks something is wrong with you since your not partnered up. Your singleness is even worse when you don’t have a “booty” call or someone your “talking” too. Then your considered just plain sad. Sex has now become the new addiction/drug in which people are excessively engaging in the act only to release their spiritual voids unto their situationship partner. Every time a woman or a man lays with the wounded, we take on their shit. In their release, we are left spiritually bankrupt. So many women are talking about being savage, and are driven by their past pain. We are creating a cycle of hurt people and creating life out of these situationships. Every female rapper, instagram model, or young minded woman talks about their sacred space and how good it is. Women are selling their souls for a name brand bag, or to sit side by side with a man while he holds a stack of money up to his ear. Sex or true intimacy is a celebration of two souls. It is sacred practice that is being taken lightly. One of the hurtful truths is that one night of a love affair is not worth my years of healing. A man giving a woman 🍆, money, or temporary attention is not an investment. The most costly thing for a man to give is his emotions, and his time. I hate to break it to you ladies but if the first three is the foundation of your relationship then he is not invested. You want someone to add to your growth, contribute to your healing and respect your temple. I need a man that can feed my soul and take me to sexual heights that will bring us both closer to God. So the lesson of the story is…I’m good on the 🍆appointments. My temple will no longer be used as a storage for both my pain and yours. My phone is dry as hell but my soul is at peace.