Pure guilt was the feeling I have felt over the past few days. I had to absorb some positive vibes and perspectives from some of the mothers I admire. Yesterday and today the devil was in full affect trying to find ways to attack me. First it was my social life through the failed attempt to date, and now my son. Now when I say devil attacks and when others speak of it, I no longer perceive it as an outside source. Instead, like the God in me, there is also the complete opposite. The worry, stress, anger, and darker emotions I control, are the shadow self/devil. I’m sure many will disagree but I am entitled to my opinion. On my current journey to finally get us relocated, I have had to make some sacrifices with the support of amazing friends. In my space of my unknown, I wanted to check in with my son to see how he felt about everything. This has become very important to me that I incorporate his opinion as it truly matters. Back in the day, children had no voice. Now don’t get me wrong, he is not responsible for the final decision, but his voice matters. Yesterday was the first day that he asked about his father and that caught me off guard. I was the one checking in with him about his father just to see if he missed him. The good thing about the situation is his father distanced himself months prior to being incarcerated. I told him that I will work with his grandmother to allow him to speak to him. He has no clue what’s going on, but then again I’m sure he has an idea. We as adults don’t give children enough credit, they really know more than we think. I started googling research articles on children with parents in jail, and the affects of relocating on a child. According to one of the articles, children have no chance at life due to those type of situations. This meaning they are pretty much screwed because of their parents choices. They have very minimal chances at becoming successful (to society standards) and have higher suicidal rates, drug use, and life expectancy. I couldn’t go to sleep thinking about the fact that this is what society believes of children that come from these unfortunate circumstances. This is what motivates me. This very fucking statistic or box they want to put on me as a black single mother and my black son.
Dreams don’t cease when you become an adult, they become blurred by the illusion of life. Most people are distracted and have become complacent and comfortable in their day to day. I have always strived for different and even more so now with my clarity, I no longer have the desire to conform to that which is considered norm. In my family when you get pregnant the women tell you your dreams and goals are done. I have decided to challenge this. One thing that I have found is that chasing your dreams becomes twice as hard, but not impossible. I have also found that women fall into two extreme categories and very few have found their balance. There are the women that sacrifice their lives for their children to the point they have no clue to who they are. Many sacrifice to the point of resentment or spend their child’s life force feeding them their own dreams. Then there are the mothers that are so selfish that they don’t take time to get to know their children. They spend so much time to themselves that their children grow up to resent them for not being available. Next life I want to come as a man. I have never seen a man feel guilty or a burden for chasing his dreams. He may do so alone with minimal support, but without guilt. If women are single with no children chasing their dreams they are told they are incomplete without a family. My mentors and mother reminded me today that me chasing my dreams teaches my son to think big. Right now he wants us to have a big home, big family, pets, and to travel. I want to show him the world. To show him that he can create his own dream job. I want him to see our current environment is not all life has to offer. He has seen me walk across the stage to obtain my degree. He constantly raves that his mother is an author. I can’t wait to show him the beauty of this world. “Make his dreams bigger than what he sees.” she told me. “How does a child that hasn’t experienced the world know what they want?” This very question made me realize the importance of balance. I am taking the baby steps to achieve this life of freedom for both of us. It may not make life easier for him but it will show him that life truly is the best university. Ladies remove the guilt of chasing your dreams. We nurture everyone and everything outside of ourselves. The greatest way to show our children love is to love ourselves. That includes nurturing the very things we love…our dreams.
The guilt-free dream chaser