I’m sure I will receive a lot of backlash in regards to this post, but I felt compelled to share my opinion. The term “woke” in the black community is another term utilized to divide us amongst our own people. The term “woke” is being used to define those who have awakened to the historical, governmental, religious, financial, physical, and mental untruths that have been told for generations to people of color and other cultures. The term “woke” is the past tense of the term “wake”,  which is defined as emerging from a state of sleep. It is a state of consciousness and clarity of the wrongdoings and complexities of the world we live in. However, many that have evolved in this state of awakening look down on those who have yet to evolve, or educate themselves in regards to these issues within the black communities. My concern with the “woke” community is it has become more of a cult. Labeling gives it a sense of separation from the norm. If you are not like the ones within the group you are not accepted due to your opposing beliefs. We have gained knowledge and tools that our ancestors were unable to attain, yet we become a part of the problem as opposed to the solution. Many continue to blame the actions of the oppressors rather than seek ways to enrich and teach the youth. Life for all contains that state of awakening, in which one recognizes the way they are living requires a change.

A state of consciousness is the awareness that our beliefs systems need rewiring. To be awakened is to understand and respect this process for others. Instead of force feeding others your findings, guide them lovingly to their own path of enlightenment. The greatest teacher is through experience. Words do not teach. Only through experiences do the words on the page come alive and spark a familiarity. Titles are merely just that…titles. They are labels we place on ourselves that many people attach themselves too. When you are whole and on the path to becoming consciously aware you understand the limitations you place on yourself by defining yourself through titles. A title is a box we place ourselves in. The very people that use titles to confirm the validity of their behaviors, and actions, are mostly contradictions to what they are representing. They state their titles only for them to believe they are who they say. “I’m a Christian…” so I would never say or do that. I am…is a personal affirmation. Most people who “walk it like I talk it” need not to explain to anyone who they are.

I am aware of the pain our ancestors have suffered and the affects of slavery. However, it is like a bad relationship. Our ancestors fought for our freedom only for the “woke”community to remain stuck in the space of our pain. When we decided to move from the very space of pain into love will we really have done our healing. Being awakened requires reflection. moving out of the victim stage and regaining control. If we just sit back and talk about what happened to us instead of moving forward how “woke” are we? The movement is amazing, and powerful but we are at a stand still. Being awakened does not mean to hate the oppressors, any enlightened individual will tell you to wish them well. “When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.” An awakening and rewiring of the brain is a solo journey. If forced or done with anger it is useless. Channel the anger into solutions fueled by a desire for change. This is a journey not just about color but of the awareness that love truly is the answer. The ability to be a survivor and move beyond the pain that was caused and to build a better tomorrow. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and realize the body you are in is the only one you control. You will then see that through your conscious thoughts, actions, and personal growth will you be the change that you want to see in the world. Now you can open your eyes….

Black women, Inspirational, Love, Self help, Self Love, Sex, sprituality, Uncategorized, Women

D Appointment…

Reader discretion is advised. My life has been a rollercoaster lately, so I decided to grab a front row seat. I strapped myself in tightly and threw my hands in the air. I have been inspired by so much lately, but could not find the way to put it into words to share within the blog. I have been fighting with authenticity and content to share. I told myself that I wouldn’t write unless I allowed myself to be vulnerable with my audience. The first thing that popped in my head was my most recent conversation with my 🍆 appointment candidate. After going though a divorce and returning back to the dating scene, most people are not looking for anything serious. For many women unfortunately, that aspect of themselves gets closed off due to the emotional trauma of heartbreak. For men, it appears it is much easier for them to move on, especially when they have no interest in self evolution or reflection. I recall seeing a group of single mothers in a group discussing the last time they had sex. I was traumatized by the fact many of them said since the birth of their child. Mind you their child or children were damn near in middle school. Sensuality and sexuality for women is frowned upon as a woman becomes a mother. If a woman falls into societies standards, she may allow this aspect of her to die alongside her intimate self. I was in a relationship for ten years. I stepped out once when we were dating. This means that I was dedicated, and loyal to the same 🍆. This is great… however many times in marriage, sex can really become complacent if the two involved do nothing to save that aspect of their relationship. Yes, your sexual relationship/intimate relationship with your partner requires nurturing. Anyways, I met this guy who was mentally stimulating and also a great sexual experience. We had this on and off again, when we link up, if I’m in your town, after hours/on my weekends without my son type situationship. One thing that I noticed being on the dating scene is that men tend to think single women are desperate. In a way I can see where this could come from, because I once was her. They would perceive the woman’s desire for family and need for a balance of testosterone as desperation. Many men pray on the vulnerability as strong as the women appear and portray themselves, the desire for a male figure is a soft spot for many.

I was never built for the multiple guy lifestyle nor laying up with someone I’m not interested in. I have to be mentally stimulated as sex is beyond the physical for me. I can honestly say that I had upgraded myself in the fuck boy status, as I never knew they come in so many different types. I have met ones with degrees, and suits. Ones that spoke multiple languages and traveled the world, to partial vegans, socially “woke”, and considered women “queens”. In my journey of hurtful truths, I have realized that the upgrades were just a reflection of my healing journey. Unfortunately ladies we are who we attract. Being on the dating scene allows us to see our progress.

So back to the convo with the candidate. Basically he friend requested me on social media after I intentionally blocked him as I started to realize that our situationship was a waste of my time. He tempted me like the apple did Eve by trying to catch my attention. A couple of months without the 🍆 will have your emotions controlling your decisions. After multiple DMs back and forth, he concluded that my request for him to check in every now and then was a bit too much for him to provide. He stated that wouldn’t be genuine and he assumed that I found him more compelling than he obviously did me. It bothered me for a few hours as I felt like I was being rejected after being pulled in again. Being on this journey doesn’t make me more appealing either. I make men think, and hold them accountable, while most women they have dealt with can’t hold a conversation but their twerk game is serious! I actually haven’t thought about this person within the last few weeks and figured another one bites the dust. After self-reflecting I realized that it really wasn’t worth my time. We as women, if not careful, become a dumping ground for men. There is no intimacy in “fucking”. Zero, zip, nada. Matter of fact it is animalistic, and is an emotionally detached spiritual release. Being single is already tough, everyone thinks something is wrong with you since your not partnered up. Your singleness is even worse when you don’t have a “booty” call or someone your “talking” too. Then your considered just plain sad. Sex has now become the new addiction/drug in which people are excessively engaging in the act only to release their spiritual voids unto their situationship partner. Every time a woman or a man lays with the wounded, we take on their shit. In their release, we are left spiritually bankrupt. So many women are talking about being savage, and are driven by their past pain. We are creating a cycle of hurt people and creating life out of these situationships. Every female rapper, instagram model, or young minded woman talks about their sacred space and how good it is. Women are selling their souls for a name brand bag, or to sit side by side with a man while he holds a stack of money up to his ear. Sex or true intimacy is a celebration of two souls. It is sacred practice that is being taken lightly. One of the hurtful truths is that one night of a love affair is not worth my years of healing. A man giving a woman 🍆, money, or temporary attention is not an investment. The most costly thing for a man to give is his emotions, and his time. I hate to break it to you ladies but if the first three is the foundation of your relationship then he is not invested. You want someone to add to your growth, contribute to your healing and respect your temple. I need a man that can feed my soul and take me to sexual heights that will bring us both closer to God. So the lesson of the story is…I’m good on the 🍆appointments. My temple will no longer be used as a storage for both my pain and yours. My phone is dry as hell but my soul is at peace.


This too shall pass…

I started the day off under the impression that it was going to be a rainy day. I already had it prepared in my mind due to my weather app, that we would be experiencing rain all week. This morning I woke up to bright sunshine and humid 80 degree weather. There was no indicators of a storm, so I prepared my son for the sunny day. My life has never been a dull moment and today was nothing different. With my couple of days off from work due to my birthday (my holiday), I was back to the grind like I never left. Bills, errands, finding solutions, everyday as a single mom is a constant hustle. I got a few belated birthday text and provided some guidance to a dear friend. After my work day was completed I couldn’t wait to pick up my son from school. One of my favorite parts of the day is seeing the smile on his face. Today, however wasn’t a good day for him. In fact, he got into it with a classmate that has been frequently calling him names. I was originally disappointed of course and discussed his punishment as a result of the conflict. After having the talk about what he could have done better, I realized how much my son’s day and one incident had completely shifted my energy. As I began to calm myself, I was able to actually hear him. Our children teach us so much about ourselves if we listen. They identify to us the very areas within ourselves that we have challenges. We get angry and frustrated over things that we don’t even do ourselves. He began to cry and told me that he was sad that the other student had called him names. Out of his anger he hit the kid for calling him a baby. In his safe space he was able to be vulnerable and tell his mother he was sad. The sadness in front of the other student required an action to protect and defend his emotions…the sadness then turned to anger. I had plans to go to the park and usually would have changed my mind due to the situation that occurred. However I kept my agenda and told him to run and play to channel that energy to something positive. I couldn’t help but evaluate the many times I have seen acts of anger and took them personally, not listening or observing the underlying sadness of the other individual or myself.

How interesting that tears can be formed with all three of these emotions anger, sadness, and joy. There is healing within that anger if we break down our walls to allow ourselves to feel the sadness. To come to terms with what is, as opposed to finding a defense. Within five minutes of play his mind went back to joy and at that very moment I envied his ability to shift his energy so quickly. 30 minutes in the park and the clouds began to change. There was a dark cloud that began to fill the sky, splitting both the sky with light and darkness. In the dark clouds there were very few spots of light. A lot of people see my work, see Facebook, Instagram, and think that my life is all roses. I am sharing, inspiring, and motivating even in my own storm. My days may start of sunny, and warm only to end up with a spontaneous storm. Some storms I can smell the rain and can feel the onset of the downpour. Others, I have no clue would occur and just patiently wait for the storm to pass. I haven’t quite learned how to dance in the rain. I have learned to see the storms beauty and the importance of the rain. There is healing in water, and in tears.

Most days I am overwhelmed, stressed, and clueless about how I will make it through the next day. I realized the storms don’t last forever. They can be destructive and turbulent but they are necessary for all growth. My inspiration and motivation comes from allowing myself to feel where most numb themselves. Being a parent is my greatest accomplishment, but the hardest thing is teaching another being how to see the beauty in the balance of life. I haven’t listened to the real rain in a while. I usually watch YouTube videos of it to help me fall asleep. I am sitting in my car listening to the raindrops as my son rests. Watching the storm pass as the roar of the lightening calms, and the raindrops fall on the hood of my car. I now understand while your in the storm, it can seem very messy but from the outside looking in, the process from beginning to the end all makes sense. This too shall pass …


Wakanda Sisterhood?

On a self love journey it requires you to self reflect, monitor, and or observe behaviors of others around you. I’m not into industry news/celebrity beef but I figured I would use this as an example for my concern for our cultural lack of sisterhood. Although this is a disease that is affecting our local community, it appears that even those with greater platforms and financial gains still are affected by this cancer amongst our black women. Scrolling through Instagram in the past, I used to obsess over the flawless beauty, curvaceous and melanin enriched fashionistas. Many of the women were the vision of my desired body goals. Until recently I see many of these women spend a lot of time on the exterior and minimal work internally. Most of the women from their online rants and consistent beef over their supposed competitors reveal they still have a lot of work to do. Although many of their businesses are lucrative and their acquiring materialistic desires, it appears that the mentality has never changed. I couldn’t believe the story of Fetty Wap and his multiple “baby mommas” and children. These women feuding over a man that apparently they all ended up having the same experience. We as women of color will fight and argue to prove our differences only to realize that you really didn’t have the “Golden pussy” to change this man’s behavior. We fall to realize that we are denying our children and ourselves the experiences to build a stronger community and gain the respect back from our men. Hurt people, hurt people, and the Cardi B/Azalea beef is an unfortunate reminder. Both successful artist and women of color, tearing each other down on social media to prove a point. Azalea banks although extremely articulate instead of uplifting Cardi, used her intelligence to degrade and disrespect a woman expecting her first child. Sometimes making a point or clapping back doesn’t require a response. We rip apart each other’s confidence, belittle each other’s success and cause pain to each other in the very same manner pain has afflicted us.

When I describe to others my view on women of color and their sisterhood, it is just like Wakanda. Wakanda is an unrealistic place that gave us hope of unity and strength within our culture. It was a vision and a dream of what we could be. We already have to fight within society to be accepted and respected. Why should we have to fight at home or within our communities. We have built a false sense of connection because in a few important areas, we still seem to disconnect. We will smile and accept each other but when it comes to money and men there still lies that competitive aspect. We have a lacking mindset when it comes to money and the black man. We feel we have to compete against each other when in reality we are fighting against ourselves. We are mad at Society for degrading us but we are apart of the problem. When you take the time to argue with a woman on social media you are using your platform to degrade your own people. The primary reason our men disrespect us is due to the disconnect between us as women. For some strange reason there are women that think they hold the “golden pussy” that will miraculously change the actions of a consistent liar and cheater. News flash… a man changes because he decided to make that change. Our lack of sisterhood and empathy for each other has given men an advantage. If we loved ourselves as much as we say we do, we wouldn’t be able to talk down to our sister. Even if a woman has the actions of a “bitch” she truly is screaming out for help. Your job is not to judge her but rather point out to her that you see there is an issue within. Sometimes we can’t see our own worth and it may take someone else to remind us. There is more than enough for all of us. You can blog, write, sell clothes, sing, rap, dance or whatever your talent may be. If there is another sister that does the same, understand you both are unique in what you have to offer. When you know who you are, you know what you bring to the table. True queens adjust each other’s crowns and empathize for their story. Respect each other and build each other up. You will soon learn the very woman you find conflict with is mirroring to you your own insecurities. Because if there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can do you no harm. With that being said there would be no energy or emotions triggered when negativity decides to approach you via a Instagram post. Wakanda sisterhood is this?

Inspirational, Love, Resilience, Self help, Self Love, Uncategorized, Women


I am

I am Kieona Lenisha Renee Fairley. That was the name that I was born with and given by my mother. I rarely use it, in fact at a period of time I was embarrassed by it. I think the last time I heard my full name called was at my graduation for my Bachelor’s degree. My friends thought it was hilarious, but they could have called me anything that day because I was finally achieving one of my greatest dreams. Actually, one of the dreams that society instilled within me ( we will save this conversation for a later date). Throughout my life, I have been referred to by many names. In most of my relationships whether intimate, or friendships, I had a special name they called me or referred to me as. In each of these relationships, I played the role. The role of becoming the very person they wanted me to be. The little girl in me desired to be liked and adored. I grew up being taught that being me wasn’t enough. Kieona Lenisha Renee Fairley was denied the affection, support, and attention from those that were supposed to love her. I now know, it was all because they did not love themselves. My core foundations were built off of the feelings of unworthiness. It ran through the veins of both my father and mother. All my life I have fought between who they told me I was, and I who I knew I wanted to be. Different.  I did all the things society tells us to do. The very things that life is all about. Go to school, get a good job, get married , have children, buy a home and live happily ever after (however the happily ever after part never seemed to happen, not yet anyway). In fact, I was an overachiever, trying to compensate for the void seeking for validation outside of myself.  My life choices were made out of my feelings of unworthiness, which lead me into toxic relationships, self harm, debt, weight gain, and the list goes on.  This Mother’s day/birthday for me is going to be a bit different. This year I am turning the magical number 33. I have decided to kick-start my new blog, and close the previous chapters of my life by finishing my book London’s Prints. I have previously shared the trauma of the loss of my first-born son, divorce, and the effects of losing oneself. Over the past six months I stripped myself away from everything. Everything that most people define themselves by, I detached myself from. You see, most people define themselves by what they do, or who they do for. When you are faced with just you, no titles, no materialistic things, no serial dating/relationships, nothing just you. Here is where you will begin to reveal the hurtful truths while on your self-love journey. Just to give you a preview, I have found that I am many things, none of which I was told I was. You see when you love someone enough, you may find yourself adjusting or tweaking yourself to make them happy. Those adjustments will eventually become like a cancer, and soon you wont even recognize yourself anymore. I have searched for home and “the one” for many years now, only to find that falling in love is another individual reflecting to you, your true view of self. I have chosen to do so for myself, by falling purposely in love with myself.

Here are a few things I have found out about myself …

I am strong and resilient…it is in my DNA. However I am learning to use my strength daily and learning my ability through pushing myself. Must people find they are strong but not by choice, we usually find our strength when our backs are against the wall.

I am my own kind of beautiful…I say this because it appears women are all going for the same look. It’s about time that us melenated women are being praised!  My stretch marks, my nose, my athletic build are all starting to grow on me. I work very hard for the body I have and think I’m doing damn good for a mother of two.

I am hard on myself. The world already can be a tough place but I need to take it easy on myself more. I am only one person wearing many hats. I need to be more gentle and kind to myself.

I am awkward… I now realize my awkwardness is a result of me not being my true self. The awkwardness is me trying to control my power, and uniqueness to be more feminine and dainty (totally not who I am) to be found more attractive to the opposite sex. When uncomfortable, you become awkward.

I amboth feminine and masculine energy…I can rock sweatpants, lift weights, play sports, and still get fly/girlie on date night.

I amemotional…I am an extension of the universe and tuned into souls. I am an empath and absorb energy.

I am a mess…and that is okay, because as long as God wakes me up tomorrow, I get another chance at life to work on myself.

I am a manifestor…everything I have asked for, I have received it. Even if it is not how I expected it.

I am talented…I mean I sing, dance, write, run, blog, vlog, speak, teach, cook, and the list continues.

I am single…I am single but I am whole. I am not broken nor damaged. I used to use those terms before but I realized this was never the case. I was disconnected from source/God. It took trauma for me to return home but I finally made it!

I am Light…In darkness I sometimes forget that my happiness is not based on my outward circumstances but rather what is going on within. When I am in good spirits my light shines bright. During the darkness it may take me a while but I always seem to find it.

I AM LOVE… Follow me on this journey of self-love and self discovery. The hurtful truths of a girl on a self-love journey…

*By the way notice the continuous use of ellipsis … this indicates unfinished thought. Every healing process requires lifetime work.