November of 2017, my life was spiraling. I allowed myself to slowly fall back into my old ways by opening my life and home to my ex husband. I became so frustrated with myself, as I spent so much time forgiving, and healing from the years of pain I allowed him to cause. I became weak, because the power that I worked so hard to regain, was depleted within a span of three months. I fell into the role of wanting to be liked, and accepted. I became obsessed with being rejected, and wanted to prove my worthiness of his corrupted version of love. My vision had become clouded, and so had my judgment. I began to question myself and fought daily between the old me and the new me. With the overwhelming thoughts in my head, I needed to release his energy. I needed a release period. I had been rocking a weave to maintain a versatile style for about two months. The day I took my weave out, I was amazed at the amount of new growth but had been frustrated with my curl pattern. I just began thinking about the years of my lack of self-love. At that moment, I had the impulse to cut it all off.
I realized this was a reflection of how I felt about myself. My crown, my tresses are a part of what makes me a woman. This is something we pride ourselves about. Three years ago, I did the big chop and cut my hair to renew my curl pattern. It took one visit to a new hair salon, with an individual not concerned about my process, to damage a year and a half of progress with my natural hair. We can end up taking ten steps back on a journey through introducing ourselves to people not concerned about maintaining or aiding us with our personal journeys. All it takes is one situation, one person, or one decision that can send you back pedaling to the beginning. Everything you worked so hard for, appeared to be damaged within a span of seconds. It took me a while to digest the fact that after years of protecting my crown and nurturing it, I allowed someone to end up damaging it. Now, I know that those very setbacks are required. I realized not to be so hard on myself and to use what I learned for the next time. It unfortunate, because a lot of times, those very people who may cause those setbacks for you have no clue the damage they are causing. Those dead ends can be clipped, that pain can be released, and you can regrow and start anew. My best friend and I sat around talking about the liberation in a woman cutting her hair. When I first cut my hair bald, she was the only one that I allowed to see me like that. The only other person was my son. I wish I could have video tapped his reaction and outburst of laughter. I couldn’t help but laugh as well, but after, he asked if he could do the same. He said “Mommy I want to be healthy too.” I knew at that point, I was making the right decision. As liberating as it was, I had to move past my ego and the insecurities in my head. I always wondered why when I went through a break up, or a life changing event did I have this desire to cut my hair. My best friend brought the answer to light to me today. She reminded me of the fact that she knew what I did before I told her. She said that when a woman cuts her hair, she is releasing the heaviness of her thoughts. When a woman is overwhelmed or consumed in her thoughts cutting her hair helps to release the heaviness, but doesn’t rid her of her circumstances. She is creating a new foundation through cutting the damage and making room for new. When a women cuts her hair, she is about to change her life. Our physical bodies, and physical circumstances, are a representation of our thoughts. It is beyond changing her image and how the world sees her. She is embracing the women she is beyond her tresses. She is a rebel and is not defined by her hair.
My mother almost had a heart attack when I told her and could not understand why. To be honest, telling her was the most liberating thing for me. Growing up , I was taught to be everything else but myself. I had stripped myself of everything. Of intimate relationships, my hair, my brand new home, and so much more. I stripped myself of everything that others use as an illusion to distract them from knowing self. A lot of people fear that intimate connection of self, because there are a lot of hurtful truths we discover. It requires strength, love, patience, and nurturing. All the very things required to regrow healthy hair. Every journey is just that…a journey. To be honest, it doesn’t end until the day we die, that is where the roads ends. I am so proud of myself for removing the self-inflicted cancer of toxic relationships, and learning to love me, flaws and all. There is therapy in a hair cut, because lately I careless of how I’m perceived. I have my days when I feel boyish because of the cut, and some days a complete bad-ass. My hair is a small portion of this whole being. I am beyond the physical as my personality and purpose confirms that. When I cut my hair I don’t just change my life…I am influenced to inspire others.