Black women, Inspirational, Living, Love, Resilience, Self help, Self Love, Women

Resting Bitch Face…

Yesterday during my cardio session at the gym, I finally understood the purpose behind the saying “resting bitch face” from an outsider’s standpoint. I don’t watch television often, but the 2018 championships gained my attention during the 400 meter race. I used to run a little track back in the day, but with most sports and my lack of interest I was never fully committed. Watching these women run like their life depended on it just gave me life. It was inspirational and motivating as each one really gave it their all. I never really understood sports and fitness, but it is deeper than the wins and losses. The commitment to become the best requires a desire that most people prefer just being the spectators. The 400 meter women’s race, was a race field with women of color. It was a beautiful thing to see. As the women began to line up and prepare for the race, the cameraman, and sports commentator zoomed in on each individual participant.  They became the star of the moment as the commentator described their age, and history in racing. Each woman uniquely waved or smiled for the camera, as the excitement and energy roared through the stands.

Shakima+Wimbley+IAAF+World+Indoor+Championships+WFir5TneASnl
I do not own the rights to this image!

There was one particular introduction that stood out to me. Shakima Wimbley out of all the racers that day, did not have a smile on her face when it came to her one on one with the camera. Her “resting bitch face” game was strong.  I even said she didn’t look excited to be there and was taken back at her response to the camera. The “resting bitch face” did not last, as she joyously came across the finish line, she had nothing but smiles for days. I’m sure many women have come across as non-approachable, in fact I was told this very often. I am often told I have a strong personality, and that not many people can deal with that. Why is it that a “resting bitch face” symbolizes some internal anger instead of drive and focus? After observing Wimbley’s appearance, the “resting bitch face” is a woman who is not about playing games. Those that are intimidated by her stern outward appearance are either not ready or fear her unfiltered truths.  Wimbley’s “resting bitch face” was one of focus, and determination. She refused to be distracted by what was going on outside of her. She personally had a goal to accomplish that day, and her mind was set on winning. She wasn’t angry or least excited to be there in that very moment. Her focus was somewhere else, and it wasn’t for the cameraman or even the world watching, she was focused on the win.

looking serious
Just me and my focus…

I was always told that I make it hard for men to approach me because of my strong demeanor, and independent ways. I now see that having that focus allows you to weed out the bullshit. Men that are intimidated by approaching a woman in her “resting bitch face” are afraid she can see past the presentation and truly see his reality. The “resting bitch face” is not permanent and is breakable by genuine encounters and accomplishing the previous focus. It is a self-determined facial stance that blocks out anything other than what you deserve. There is a smile right beneath that “resting bitch face” waiting to happen. She is not angry, she is focused, and unless you are contributing to her drive, I suggest you just leave her alone. The “resting bitch face” is a bullshit repellant, don’t fear her for her physical appearance, fear her for she gives everything her all.

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Divorce, Fetal loss, Grief, Inspirational, Living, Loss, Love, Resilience, Self help, Self Love, sprituality, Uncategorized, Women

Spiritual Suicide

London

I no longer fear death, as I have died spiritually three times in this lifetime. The loss of my first child, my divorce, and the loss of self. You may ask what is spiritual death? I have defined it as a pain that permeates the soul. An unconscious commitment to reside within the very space that the pain was inflicted. In scary movies they call it “souls with unfinished business”. It is a space where you feel defeated, without solutions or guidance, and the emotions spiral downward increasing you susceptibility to severe depression. Your perspective on life has been tainted, as if you’re wearing permanent glasses filled with darkness. I  used to enjoy listening to oncoming trains, as I always wondered where they were headed.  Every time I hear the sound of the train coming, I feel the family grieving for the life of a young woman who recently took her life by jumping in front of an oncoming train. Both locally and within the entertainment industry, physical suicides have been committed recently. Lavish lifestyles, international businesses, stardom and fame, could not illuminate their internal darkness. The fact that their loved ones around them had no clue to the spiritual warfare they lead, concerns me. How is it that within our society positivity is praised to the point many pretend for validation. How our quotes, and post, are confirmations of our wellbeing. What happened to the true check ins? The phone call, or show up at your home. Not the how are you physically but how are you spiritually? In a world full of people but yet still feel so alone. Afraid to share your storm, or your pain, with concerns that you will be judged. When others place you on a pedestal of success, it can be hard to admit that you are not as put together as you may seem. Maybe they did scream for help in ways others depending on them could not hear. The physical aspect of death is a transition that affects the loved ones more than it affects the person transitioning.  Hopefully it brings awareness to the importance of listening. They may not have uttered a word of their pain, but they may have expressed it within their behaviors. I just wished that someone would have been there to whisper in your ear to tell you it will be okay. Even if that person had to be yourself. There is no greater gift than life, as it took me to experience deaths both physically and spiritually to understand this. Those who choose to take their life physically, spiritually died before.

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My condolences to the families who may have lost a family member to suicide. The best gift you can give them…live your life abundantly.

Black women, Grief, Inspirational, Living, Loss, Love, Resilience, Self help, Self Love, sprituality, Uncategorized, Women

AMEN

amen2Let the church say Amen!

I was once told that there were three biblical scriptures assigned to me. Psalm 23, 51, and 91. Every night before bed, my son and I say Psalm 23. Psalm 23 is a comforting prayer that reminds us of God’s protection and guidance. I was born a Christian, however I don’t consider myself any particular religion. I am inspired by the words and the sense of calm it provides. I still believe in GOD but my religion is Love. On this journey, I have realized that a lot of the things we believe and do, are a result of us following the lead of others. Most people remain Christian or Catholic because that was a part of their upbringing. They participate in traditions that have been passed down for generations, some not even knowing or understanding the history behind it. As I evolve and flourish, I make it my responsibility to understand the words I say, and things I do. What I mean by this is to research or get a better understanding of what I do, and not because it was something I was taught to do, or is a part of my culture. Recently, I responded to a family members motivational post by saying AMEN. The post really touched my soul, and it actually reminded me of a sermon or something that a preacher would say. So what better way to respond than to say AMEN! Then I thought to myself, what does AMEN actually mean? I have been saying it all my life, whether in church or around family. It is the ending to every prayer,  and is universal across most languages and countries. I had to figure out what was I truly saying.

SOUL1

After conducting some research, I have found that we have been answering our own prayers all this time. To pray is a form of meditation and the conclusion of AMEN is the confirmation. AMEN is originally derived from Hebrew meaning “so be it”. So be that the very circumstances that we face, regardless of their inconveniences or pain they cause, this is necessary to my journey. Saying “So be it” to me is a reminder to surrender. I have to constantly remind myself that it is not always up to me to find a solution. Many times while in difficult circumstances finding a solution out of temporary emotions can create more problems. So be it is a reminder to have faith that even through our times of trouble, we have to realize that everything is working out for our greater good. So be it, is a reminder of the power of the present,  being in the now , and minimizing your fears of tomorrow. You want change? So be it. That very thing you desire or wish to be. The change you wish to see in the world. The answers to your complications in your relationships, finances, fears and dreams. Your prayers require action from you. So the next time you pray, pray for the strength to improve you. To create in you a pure heart to see light in darkness, to except the things you cannot change, and to understand that everything is purposeful. No matter what your current circumstance, listen to GOD speak through you as you say AMEN. Reminding you to live in the moment, love fully, and understand you are only in control of you. AMEN.

Black women, Fetal loss, Grief, Inspirational, Living, Loss, Love, Resilience, Self help, Self Love, sprituality, Uncategorized, Women

Spiritual Weight?

 

BeAre you carrying spiritual weight? After being on this journey of taking care of my body and working out rigorously, I realized there is more to this journey. I recall being so angry at the scale when I would notice no change in the numbers after two weeks of hard work.  The past three months for me have been more than a physical transition, it is also spiritual. For the past two days I kept repeating in my head that spirituality is mentality. Although some may disagree, your mentality is your state of beliefs and your way of thinking. Spirituality is the intangible aspect of the human experience, and is the driver of our belief and behavioral systems. I was fighting myself throughout this journey and still do some days in regards to my intake. My taste buds have changed drastically and I’m realizing the effects of low-frequency foods, as opposed to  higher vibrational foods. I was angry with the scale for not moving but I realized my mentality and reasoning for the weight loss at that point wasn’t congruent to who I was meant to become. I have been up and down constantly over the years in my weight, but this time it feels different. This time I am doing it for me, and to be able to keep up with my five-year old son. Most of all, over these years I truly believe I was afraid of the women that I could potentially be. In fact most people are. Many women hide behind their layers of weight physically as a cushion. So to give you a better understanding, I had a problem spiritually and within my reality, of letting go. I have carried the weight that I have gained since I got pregnant with my first son for the last six years. My problem area being my womb/stomach area.  Even though I went through the loss of the stillbirth and thought I spent time healing, my body unconsciously held on to everything that I ate. How many women do you hear ” I shouldn’t be eating this, it will go right to my stomach” or “I have a slow metabolism, I’m going to gain a bunch of weight from eating this”. This is a prime example of the importance of changed mentality. The way I thought about myself reflected within the way that I looked and the weight that I carried.

weightloss

Another example of spiritual weight are women that have experienced some form of sexual trauma and have acquired an extensive amount of weight gain. Many women unconsciously build these bodies to protect themselves from further sexual trauma. The crazy aspect of this is when I begun my human ways kicked in, and I wanted instant gratification. I have been neglecting my body and not nourishing or exercising as I should for years, and I expected a transition within a month or two. This was the trying time for me, as the numbers did not drop. I saw the physical change in the measurements but the numbers were not moving. I was going to quit, and say that maybe this was the weight I was meant to be. I decided to keep going and pounds just began to come off. One day I deleted some old photos of my ex I had, and I also decided to get rid of my stillborn son’s box of memorabilia. I will either give it back to his father, or bury it. I no longer feel the need to hold on to things that no longer serve me. I refuse to remain stuck in the chapters of trauma. They no longer serve the person that I am becoming. The things that I am required to do, I cannot be in an uncomfortable physical or mental state. It’s not about losing the weight, it is about letting that shit go. Once you start the journey of caring for your body it goes into a state of shock as this is different for it. Your body not only moves, but has the ability to heal itself. Our mentality and thoughts affect our weight, the foods we consume, and how we care for ourselves. Let go of the pain of your past, work towards your future body, and watch you become your own body goals.

Yogi

Black women, Grief, Inspirational, Living, Love, Resilience, Self help, Self Love, sprituality, Women

Fundraiser alert…

speaking eventI have my first speaking event on July 20th, 2018 in Philadelphia. I am asking my wordpress community for your support and contributions to make this event memorable. The event theme is “Self love” in which we will discuss the importance of self love amongst women. I am beyond thrilled and excited ( a bit nervous as well) as this is truly a dream come true. We have started a fundraiser to help with the cost of the event. I have attached the link to the fundraiser and really appreciate your help in making this dream come true. Forever Grateful. Kieona Fairley

https://www.gofundme.com/women-wo-judgement-self-love-event

 

Love

High Horse…

One of my many hurtful truths that I have come to learn on this journey, is that change may require separation from those you love the most. A lot of people are unaware of my distant relationship with both of my parents. In fact, I’m sure that most people assume that we are really close. My father has never met my five year old son, and my mother and I have opposing views on life. My graduations, child births, or most of my accomplishments have been celebrated without them. For many years, I have worked on building this ideal mother daughter relationship that apparently is nonexistent for me. Or not the way in which I expected. This I have come to terms with. I have respect for the both of them and the choices they have made, but refuse not fight for my dreams. One of the last conversations I had with my mother was about my dreams and what I planned to do. I told her how I wanted to travel more, especially with my son and speak to women across the country. That day may have been a bad day for her, but she responded in a way that brought me back to my childhood. My mother has been hurt, but has yet learned her role within that pain. Most women fail to realize the self sabotage of unhealthy relationships. My father was a heroine addict and alcoholic. I was a product of their lack of self love. Their pain ran through my mother’s womb and into my veins. My upbringing was the icing on the cake. I grew up feeling unworthy, cared for physically neglected emotionally. That day on the phone, she brought out the little insecure girl within me that needed to be nurtured and understood.

“Do you know who you are?” She would repeat over and over. “I know who you are, I gave birth to you. Your black. Take yourself off of that high horse of yours. Black people don’t travel unless they are in the service. You think your cute. I pray your dreams come true, but if they don’t, don’t get upset.” I was appalled at her response and knew her statements weren’t true. I could hear her pain, but I just didn’t have the energy to empathize. I had to instantly disconnect. I realized as an adult how fucking powerful I am, to have fought bullies within my home and within society. Most people have a mother and father that stand by them no matter what. I have seen parents defend their son or daughter in things they knew they were in the wrongdoing. Shit, if the world doesn’t love you, at least your mother or father does. But what is love from a parent that never learned to love themselves? It is a pass down of pain and forgotten dreams. It is a love that is emotionally unstable. I couldn’t get mad because how can someone who gave up on their dreams believe in me? I always wonder how many people fall in the generational chapter of repeating there parents mistakes. Going through the same pain as their parents only to either repeat or make different decisions. As much as I love my parents, I cannot allow them to curse my dreams. Their words are powerful and affect me more than an outsider, even more because of their role in my life. I never have thought and don’t think I’m better. I want and deserve better for both me and my son. I have finally turned the pages of the book, removed myself from the chapter they remained stuck, and began writing my own story. If choosing to make and have a better life requires me to leave some loved ones behind…then so be it. There are cemeteries full of dead dreams. I prefer to remain on my high horse until the day I die, the air is better up here!

Love

WOKE…

I’m sure I will receive a lot of backlash in regards to this post, but I felt compelled to share my opinion. The term “woke” in the black community is another term utilized to divide us amongst our own people. The term “woke” is being used to define those who have awakened to the historical, governmental, religious, financial, physical, and mental untruths that have been told for generations to people of color and other cultures. The term “woke” is the past tense of the term “wake”,  which is defined as emerging from a state of sleep. It is a state of consciousness and clarity of the wrongdoings and complexities of the world we live in. However, many that have evolved in this state of awakening look down on those who have yet to evolve, or educate themselves in regards to these issues within the black communities. My concern with the “woke” community is it has become more of a cult. Labeling gives it a sense of separation from the norm. If you are not like the ones within the group you are not accepted due to your opposing beliefs. We have gained knowledge and tools that our ancestors were unable to attain, yet we become a part of the problem as opposed to the solution. Many continue to blame the actions of the oppressors rather than seek ways to enrich and teach the youth. Life for all contains that state of awakening, in which one recognizes the way they are living requires a change.

A state of consciousness is the awareness that our beliefs systems need rewiring. To be awakened is to understand and respect this process for others. Instead of force feeding others your findings, guide them lovingly to their own path of enlightenment. The greatest teacher is through experience. Words do not teach. Only through experiences do the words on the page come alive and spark a familiarity. Titles are merely just that…titles. They are labels we place on ourselves that many people attach themselves too. When you are whole and on the path to becoming consciously aware you understand the limitations you place on yourself by defining yourself through titles. A title is a box we place ourselves in. The very people that use titles to confirm the validity of their behaviors, and actions, are mostly contradictions to what they are representing. They state their titles only for them to believe they are who they say. “I’m a Christian…” so I would never say or do that. I am…is a personal affirmation. Most people who “walk it like I talk it” need not to explain to anyone who they are.

I am aware of the pain our ancestors have suffered and the affects of slavery. However, it is like a bad relationship. Our ancestors fought for our freedom only for the “woke”community to remain stuck in the space of our pain. When we decided to move from the very space of pain into love will we really have done our healing. Being awakened requires reflection. moving out of the victim stage and regaining control. If we just sit back and talk about what happened to us instead of moving forward how “woke” are we? The movement is amazing, and powerful but we are at a stand still. Being awakened does not mean to hate the oppressors, any enlightened individual will tell you to wish them well. “When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.” An awakening and rewiring of the brain is a solo journey. If forced or done with anger it is useless. Channel the anger into solutions fueled by a desire for change. This is a journey not just about color but of the awareness that love truly is the answer. The ability to be a survivor and move beyond the pain that was caused and to build a better tomorrow. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and realize the body you are in is the only one you control. You will then see that through your conscious thoughts, actions, and personal growth will you be the change that you want to see in the world. Now you can open your eyes….

Black women, Inspirational, Love, Self help, Self Love, Sex, sprituality, Uncategorized, Women

D Appointment…

Reader discretion is advised. My life has been a rollercoaster lately, so I decided to grab a front row seat. I strapped myself in tightly and threw my hands in the air. I have been inspired by so much lately, but could not find the way to put it into words to share within the blog. I have been fighting with authenticity and content to share. I told myself that I wouldn’t write unless I allowed myself to be vulnerable with my audience. The first thing that popped in my head was my most recent conversation with my 🍆 appointment candidate. After going though a divorce and returning back to the dating scene, most people are not looking for anything serious. For many women unfortunately, that aspect of themselves gets closed off due to the emotional trauma of heartbreak. For men, it appears it is much easier for them to move on, especially when they have no interest in self evolution or reflection. I recall seeing a group of single mothers in a group discussing the last time they had sex. I was traumatized by the fact many of them said since the birth of their child. Mind you their child or children were damn near in middle school. Sensuality and sexuality for women is frowned upon as a woman becomes a mother. If a woman falls into societies standards, she may allow this aspect of her to die alongside her intimate self. I was in a relationship for ten years. I stepped out once when we were dating. This means that I was dedicated, and loyal to the same 🍆. This is great… however many times in marriage, sex can really become complacent if the two involved do nothing to save that aspect of their relationship. Yes, your sexual relationship/intimate relationship with your partner requires nurturing. Anyways, I met this guy who was mentally stimulating and also a great sexual experience. We had this on and off again, when we link up, if I’m in your town, after hours/on my weekends without my son type situationship. One thing that I noticed being on the dating scene is that men tend to think single women are desperate. In a way I can see where this could come from, because I once was her. They would perceive the woman’s desire for family and need for a balance of testosterone as desperation. Many men pray on the vulnerability as strong as the women appear and portray themselves, the desire for a male figure is a soft spot for many.

I was never built for the multiple guy lifestyle nor laying up with someone I’m not interested in. I have to be mentally stimulated as sex is beyond the physical for me. I can honestly say that I had upgraded myself in the fuck boy status, as I never knew they come in so many different types. I have met ones with degrees, and suits. Ones that spoke multiple languages and traveled the world, to partial vegans, socially “woke”, and considered women “queens”. In my journey of hurtful truths, I have realized that the upgrades were just a reflection of my healing journey. Unfortunately ladies we are who we attract. Being on the dating scene allows us to see our progress.

So back to the convo with the candidate. Basically he friend requested me on social media after I intentionally blocked him as I started to realize that our situationship was a waste of my time. He tempted me like the apple did Eve by trying to catch my attention. A couple of months without the 🍆 will have your emotions controlling your decisions. After multiple DMs back and forth, he concluded that my request for him to check in every now and then was a bit too much for him to provide. He stated that wouldn’t be genuine and he assumed that I found him more compelling than he obviously did me. It bothered me for a few hours as I felt like I was being rejected after being pulled in again. Being on this journey doesn’t make me more appealing either. I make men think, and hold them accountable, while most women they have dealt with can’t hold a conversation but their twerk game is serious! I actually haven’t thought about this person within the last few weeks and figured another one bites the dust. After self-reflecting I realized that it really wasn’t worth my time. We as women, if not careful, become a dumping ground for men. There is no intimacy in “fucking”. Zero, zip, nada. Matter of fact it is animalistic, and is an emotionally detached spiritual release. Being single is already tough, everyone thinks something is wrong with you since your not partnered up. Your singleness is even worse when you don’t have a “booty” call or someone your “talking” too. Then your considered just plain sad. Sex has now become the new addiction/drug in which people are excessively engaging in the act only to release their spiritual voids unto their situationship partner. Every time a woman or a man lays with the wounded, we take on their shit. In their release, we are left spiritually bankrupt. So many women are talking about being savage, and are driven by their past pain. We are creating a cycle of hurt people and creating life out of these situationships. Every female rapper, instagram model, or young minded woman talks about their sacred space and how good it is. Women are selling their souls for a name brand bag, or to sit side by side with a man while he holds a stack of money up to his ear. Sex or true intimacy is a celebration of two souls. It is sacred practice that is being taken lightly. One of the hurtful truths is that one night of a love affair is not worth my years of healing. A man giving a woman 🍆, money, or temporary attention is not an investment. The most costly thing for a man to give is his emotions, and his time. I hate to break it to you ladies but if the first three is the foundation of your relationship then he is not invested. You want someone to add to your growth, contribute to your healing and respect your temple. I need a man that can feed my soul and take me to sexual heights that will bring us both closer to God. So the lesson of the story is…I’m good on the 🍆appointments. My temple will no longer be used as a storage for both my pain and yours. My phone is dry as hell but my soul is at peace.

Love

This too shall pass…

I started the day off under the impression that it was going to be a rainy day. I already had it prepared in my mind due to my weather app, that we would be experiencing rain all week. This morning I woke up to bright sunshine and humid 80 degree weather. There was no indicators of a storm, so I prepared my son for the sunny day. My life has never been a dull moment and today was nothing different. With my couple of days off from work due to my birthday (my holiday), I was back to the grind like I never left. Bills, errands, finding solutions, everyday as a single mom is a constant hustle. I got a few belated birthday text and provided some guidance to a dear friend. After my work day was completed I couldn’t wait to pick up my son from school. One of my favorite parts of the day is seeing the smile on his face. Today, however wasn’t a good day for him. In fact, he got into it with a classmate that has been frequently calling him names. I was originally disappointed of course and discussed his punishment as a result of the conflict. After having the talk about what he could have done better, I realized how much my son’s day and one incident had completely shifted my energy. As I began to calm myself, I was able to actually hear him. Our children teach us so much about ourselves if we listen. They identify to us the very areas within ourselves that we have challenges. We get angry and frustrated over things that we don’t even do ourselves. He began to cry and told me that he was sad that the other student had called him names. Out of his anger he hit the kid for calling him a baby. In his safe space he was able to be vulnerable and tell his mother he was sad. The sadness in front of the other student required an action to protect and defend his emotions…the sadness then turned to anger. I had plans to go to the park and usually would have changed my mind due to the situation that occurred. However I kept my agenda and told him to run and play to channel that energy to something positive. I couldn’t help but evaluate the many times I have seen acts of anger and took them personally, not listening or observing the underlying sadness of the other individual or myself.

How interesting that tears can be formed with all three of these emotions anger, sadness, and joy. There is healing within that anger if we break down our walls to allow ourselves to feel the sadness. To come to terms with what is, as opposed to finding a defense. Within five minutes of play his mind went back to joy and at that very moment I envied his ability to shift his energy so quickly. 30 minutes in the park and the clouds began to change. There was a dark cloud that began to fill the sky, splitting both the sky with light and darkness. In the dark clouds there were very few spots of light. A lot of people see my work, see Facebook, Instagram, and think that my life is all roses. I am sharing, inspiring, and motivating even in my own storm. My days may start of sunny, and warm only to end up with a spontaneous storm. Some storms I can smell the rain and can feel the onset of the downpour. Others, I have no clue would occur and just patiently wait for the storm to pass. I haven’t quite learned how to dance in the rain. I have learned to see the storms beauty and the importance of the rain. There is healing in water, and in tears.

Most days I am overwhelmed, stressed, and clueless about how I will make it through the next day. I realized the storms don’t last forever. They can be destructive and turbulent but they are necessary for all growth. My inspiration and motivation comes from allowing myself to feel where most numb themselves. Being a parent is my greatest accomplishment, but the hardest thing is teaching another being how to see the beauty in the balance of life. I haven’t listened to the real rain in a while. I usually watch YouTube videos of it to help me fall asleep. I am sitting in my car listening to the raindrops as my son rests. Watching the storm pass as the roar of the lightening calms, and the raindrops fall on the hood of my car. I now understand while your in the storm, it can seem very messy but from the outside looking in, the process from beginning to the end all makes sense. This too shall pass …