Divorce, Fetal loss, Grief, Inspirational, Living, Loss, Love, Resilience, Self help, Self Love, sprituality, Uncategorized, Women

Spiritual Suicide

London

I no longer fear death, as I have died spiritually three times in this lifetime. The loss of my first child, my divorce, and the loss of self. You may ask what is spiritual death? I have defined it as a pain that permeates the soul. An unconscious commitment to reside within the very space that the pain was inflicted. In scary movies they call it “souls with unfinished business”. It is a space where you feel defeated, without solutions or guidance, and the emotions spiral downward increasing you susceptibility to severe depression. Your perspective on life has been tainted, as if you’re wearing permanent glasses filled with darkness. I  used to enjoy listening to oncoming trains, as I always wondered where they were headed.  Every time I hear the sound of the train coming, I feel the family grieving for the life of a young woman who recently took her life by jumping in front of an oncoming train. Both locally and within the entertainment industry, physical suicides have been committed recently. Lavish lifestyles, international businesses, stardom and fame, could not illuminate their internal darkness. The fact that their loved ones around them had no clue to the spiritual warfare they lead, concerns me. How is it that within our society positivity is praised to the point many pretend for validation. How our quotes, and post, are confirmations of our wellbeing. What happened to the true check ins? The phone call, or show up at your home. Not the how are you physically but how are you spiritually? In a world full of people but yet still feel so alone. Afraid to share your storm, or your pain, with concerns that you will be judged. When others place you on a pedestal of success, it can be hard to admit that you are not as put together as you may seem. Maybe they did scream for help in ways others depending on them could not hear. The physical aspect of death is a transition that affects the loved ones more than it affects the person transitioning.  Hopefully it brings awareness to the importance of listening. They may not have uttered a word of their pain, but they may have expressed it within their behaviors. I just wished that someone would have been there to whisper in your ear to tell you it will be okay. Even if that person had to be yourself. There is no greater gift than life, as it took me to experience deaths both physically and spiritually to understand this. Those who choose to take their life physically, spiritually died before.

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My condolences to the families who may have lost a family member to suicide. The best gift you can give them…live your life abundantly.

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Black women, Grief, Inspirational, Living, Loss, Love, Resilience, Self help, Self Love, sprituality, Uncategorized, Women

AMEN

amen2Let the church say Amen!

I was once told that there were three biblical scriptures assigned to me. Psalm 23, 51, and 91. Every night before bed, my son and I say Psalm 23. Psalm 23 is a comforting prayer that reminds us of God’s protection and guidance. I was born a Christian, however I don’t consider myself any particular religion. I am inspired by the words and the sense of calm it provides. I still believe in GOD but my religion is Love. On this journey, I have realized that a lot of the things we believe and do, are a result of us following the lead of others. Most people remain Christian or Catholic because that was a part of their upbringing. They participate in traditions that have been passed down for generations, some not even knowing or understanding the history behind it. As I evolve and flourish, I make it my responsibility to understand the words I say, and things I do. What I mean by this is to research or get a better understanding of what I do, and not because it was something I was taught to do, or is a part of my culture. Recently, I responded to a family members motivational post by saying AMEN. The post really touched my soul, and it actually reminded me of a sermon or something that a preacher would say. So what better way to respond than to say AMEN! Then I thought to myself, what does AMEN actually mean? I have been saying it all my life, whether in church or around family. It is the ending to every prayer,  and is universal across most languages and countries. I had to figure out what was I truly saying.

SOUL1

After conducting some research, I have found that we have been answering our own prayers all this time. To pray is a form of meditation and the conclusion of AMEN is the confirmation. AMEN is originally derived from Hebrew meaning “so be it”. So be that the very circumstances that we face, regardless of their inconveniences or pain they cause, this is necessary to my journey. Saying “So be it” to me is a reminder to surrender. I have to constantly remind myself that it is not always up to me to find a solution. Many times while in difficult circumstances finding a solution out of temporary emotions can create more problems. So be it is a reminder to have faith that even through our times of trouble, we have to realize that everything is working out for our greater good. So be it, is a reminder of the power of the present,  being in the now , and minimizing your fears of tomorrow. You want change? So be it. That very thing you desire or wish to be. The change you wish to see in the world. The answers to your complications in your relationships, finances, fears and dreams. Your prayers require action from you. So the next time you pray, pray for the strength to improve you. To create in you a pure heart to see light in darkness, to except the things you cannot change, and to understand that everything is purposeful. No matter what your current circumstance, listen to GOD speak through you as you say AMEN. Reminding you to live in the moment, love fully, and understand you are only in control of you. AMEN.

Black women, Fetal loss, Grief, Inspirational, Living, Loss, Love, Resilience, Self help, Self Love, sprituality, Uncategorized, Women

Spiritual Weight?

 

BeAre you carrying spiritual weight? After being on this journey of taking care of my body and working out rigorously, I realized there is more to this journey. I recall being so angry at the scale when I would notice no change in the numbers after two weeks of hard work.  The past three months for me have been more than a physical transition, it is also spiritual. For the past two days I kept repeating in my head that spirituality is mentality. Although some may disagree, your mentality is your state of beliefs and your way of thinking. Spirituality is the intangible aspect of the human experience, and is the driver of our belief and behavioral systems. I was fighting myself throughout this journey and still do some days in regards to my intake. My taste buds have changed drastically and I’m realizing the effects of low-frequency foods, as opposed to  higher vibrational foods. I was angry with the scale for not moving but I realized my mentality and reasoning for the weight loss at that point wasn’t congruent to who I was meant to become. I have been up and down constantly over the years in my weight, but this time it feels different. This time I am doing it for me, and to be able to keep up with my five-year old son. Most of all, over these years I truly believe I was afraid of the women that I could potentially be. In fact most people are. Many women hide behind their layers of weight physically as a cushion. So to give you a better understanding, I had a problem spiritually and within my reality, of letting go. I have carried the weight that I have gained since I got pregnant with my first son for the last six years. My problem area being my womb/stomach area.  Even though I went through the loss of the stillbirth and thought I spent time healing, my body unconsciously held on to everything that I ate. How many women do you hear ” I shouldn’t be eating this, it will go right to my stomach” or “I have a slow metabolism, I’m going to gain a bunch of weight from eating this”. This is a prime example of the importance of changed mentality. The way I thought about myself reflected within the way that I looked and the weight that I carried.

weightloss

Another example of spiritual weight are women that have experienced some form of sexual trauma and have acquired an extensive amount of weight gain. Many women unconsciously build these bodies to protect themselves from further sexual trauma. The crazy aspect of this is when I begun my human ways kicked in, and I wanted instant gratification. I have been neglecting my body and not nourishing or exercising as I should for years, and I expected a transition within a month or two. This was the trying time for me, as the numbers did not drop. I saw the physical change in the measurements but the numbers were not moving. I was going to quit, and say that maybe this was the weight I was meant to be. I decided to keep going and pounds just began to come off. One day I deleted some old photos of my ex I had, and I also decided to get rid of my stillborn son’s box of memorabilia. I will either give it back to his father, or bury it. I no longer feel the need to hold on to things that no longer serve me. I refuse to remain stuck in the chapters of trauma. They no longer serve the person that I am becoming. The things that I am required to do, I cannot be in an uncomfortable physical or mental state. It’s not about losing the weight, it is about letting that shit go. Once you start the journey of caring for your body it goes into a state of shock as this is different for it. Your body not only moves, but has the ability to heal itself. Our mentality and thoughts affect our weight, the foods we consume, and how we care for ourselves. Let go of the pain of your past, work towards your future body, and watch you become your own body goals.

Yogi

Black women, Inspirational, Love, Self help, Self Love, Sex, sprituality, Uncategorized, Women

D Appointment…

Reader discretion is advised. My life has been a rollercoaster lately, so I decided to grab a front row seat. I strapped myself in tightly and threw my hands in the air. I have been inspired by so much lately, but could not find the way to put it into words to share within the blog. I have been fighting with authenticity and content to share. I told myself that I wouldn’t write unless I allowed myself to be vulnerable with my audience. The first thing that popped in my head was my most recent conversation with my 🍆 appointment candidate. After going though a divorce and returning back to the dating scene, most people are not looking for anything serious. For many women unfortunately, that aspect of themselves gets closed off due to the emotional trauma of heartbreak. For men, it appears it is much easier for them to move on, especially when they have no interest in self evolution or reflection. I recall seeing a group of single mothers in a group discussing the last time they had sex. I was traumatized by the fact many of them said since the birth of their child. Mind you their child or children were damn near in middle school. Sensuality and sexuality for women is frowned upon as a woman becomes a mother. If a woman falls into societies standards, she may allow this aspect of her to die alongside her intimate self. I was in a relationship for ten years. I stepped out once when we were dating. This means that I was dedicated, and loyal to the same 🍆. This is great… however many times in marriage, sex can really become complacent if the two involved do nothing to save that aspect of their relationship. Yes, your sexual relationship/intimate relationship with your partner requires nurturing. Anyways, I met this guy who was mentally stimulating and also a great sexual experience. We had this on and off again, when we link up, if I’m in your town, after hours/on my weekends without my son type situationship. One thing that I noticed being on the dating scene is that men tend to think single women are desperate. In a way I can see where this could come from, because I once was her. They would perceive the woman’s desire for family and need for a balance of testosterone as desperation. Many men pray on the vulnerability as strong as the women appear and portray themselves, the desire for a male figure is a soft spot for many.

I was never built for the multiple guy lifestyle nor laying up with someone I’m not interested in. I have to be mentally stimulated as sex is beyond the physical for me. I can honestly say that I had upgraded myself in the fuck boy status, as I never knew they come in so many different types. I have met ones with degrees, and suits. Ones that spoke multiple languages and traveled the world, to partial vegans, socially “woke”, and considered women “queens”. In my journey of hurtful truths, I have realized that the upgrades were just a reflection of my healing journey. Unfortunately ladies we are who we attract. Being on the dating scene allows us to see our progress.

So back to the convo with the candidate. Basically he friend requested me on social media after I intentionally blocked him as I started to realize that our situationship was a waste of my time. He tempted me like the apple did Eve by trying to catch my attention. A couple of months without the 🍆 will have your emotions controlling your decisions. After multiple DMs back and forth, he concluded that my request for him to check in every now and then was a bit too much for him to provide. He stated that wouldn’t be genuine and he assumed that I found him more compelling than he obviously did me. It bothered me for a few hours as I felt like I was being rejected after being pulled in again. Being on this journey doesn’t make me more appealing either. I make men think, and hold them accountable, while most women they have dealt with can’t hold a conversation but their twerk game is serious! I actually haven’t thought about this person within the last few weeks and figured another one bites the dust. After self-reflecting I realized that it really wasn’t worth my time. We as women, if not careful, become a dumping ground for men. There is no intimacy in “fucking”. Zero, zip, nada. Matter of fact it is animalistic, and is an emotionally detached spiritual release. Being single is already tough, everyone thinks something is wrong with you since your not partnered up. Your singleness is even worse when you don’t have a “booty” call or someone your “talking” too. Then your considered just plain sad. Sex has now become the new addiction/drug in which people are excessively engaging in the act only to release their spiritual voids unto their situationship partner. Every time a woman or a man lays with the wounded, we take on their shit. In their release, we are left spiritually bankrupt. So many women are talking about being savage, and are driven by their past pain. We are creating a cycle of hurt people and creating life out of these situationships. Every female rapper, instagram model, or young minded woman talks about their sacred space and how good it is. Women are selling their souls for a name brand bag, or to sit side by side with a man while he holds a stack of money up to his ear. Sex or true intimacy is a celebration of two souls. It is sacred practice that is being taken lightly. One of the hurtful truths is that one night of a love affair is not worth my years of healing. A man giving a woman 🍆, money, or temporary attention is not an investment. The most costly thing for a man to give is his emotions, and his time. I hate to break it to you ladies but if the first three is the foundation of your relationship then he is not invested. You want someone to add to your growth, contribute to your healing and respect your temple. I need a man that can feed my soul and take me to sexual heights that will bring us both closer to God. So the lesson of the story is…I’m good on the 🍆appointments. My temple will no longer be used as a storage for both my pain and yours. My phone is dry as hell but my soul is at peace.

Inspirational, Love, Resilience, Self help, Self Love, Uncategorized, Women

I AM…

I am

I am Kieona Lenisha Renee Fairley. That was the name that I was born with and given by my mother. I rarely use it, in fact at a period of time I was embarrassed by it. I think the last time I heard my full name called was at my graduation for my Bachelor’s degree. My friends thought it was hilarious, but they could have called me anything that day because I was finally achieving one of my greatest dreams. Actually, one of the dreams that society instilled within me ( we will save this conversation for a later date). Throughout my life, I have been referred to by many names. In most of my relationships whether intimate, or friendships, I had a special name they called me or referred to me as. In each of these relationships, I played the role. The role of becoming the very person they wanted me to be. The little girl in me desired to be liked and adored. I grew up being taught that being me wasn’t enough. Kieona Lenisha Renee Fairley was denied the affection, support, and attention from those that were supposed to love her. I now know, it was all because they did not love themselves. My core foundations were built off of the feelings of unworthiness. It ran through the veins of both my father and mother. All my life I have fought between who they told me I was, and I who I knew I wanted to be. Different.  I did all the things society tells us to do. The very things that life is all about. Go to school, get a good job, get married , have children, buy a home and live happily ever after (however the happily ever after part never seemed to happen, not yet anyway). In fact, I was an overachiever, trying to compensate for the void seeking for validation outside of myself.  My life choices were made out of my feelings of unworthiness, which lead me into toxic relationships, self harm, debt, weight gain, and the list goes on.  This Mother’s day/birthday for me is going to be a bit different. This year I am turning the magical number 33. I have decided to kick-start my new blog, and close the previous chapters of my life by finishing my book London’s Prints. I have previously shared the trauma of the loss of my first-born son, divorce, and the effects of losing oneself. Over the past six months I stripped myself away from everything. Everything that most people define themselves by, I detached myself from. You see, most people define themselves by what they do, or who they do for. When you are faced with just you, no titles, no materialistic things, no serial dating/relationships, nothing just you. Here is where you will begin to reveal the hurtful truths while on your self-love journey. Just to give you a preview, I have found that I am many things, none of which I was told I was. You see when you love someone enough, you may find yourself adjusting or tweaking yourself to make them happy. Those adjustments will eventually become like a cancer, and soon you wont even recognize yourself anymore. I have searched for home and “the one” for many years now, only to find that falling in love is another individual reflecting to you, your true view of self. I have chosen to do so for myself, by falling purposely in love with myself.

Here are a few things I have found out about myself …

I am strong and resilient…it is in my DNA. However I am learning to use my strength daily and learning my ability through pushing myself. Must people find they are strong but not by choice, we usually find our strength when our backs are against the wall.

I am my own kind of beautiful…I say this because it appears women are all going for the same look. It’s about time that us melenated women are being praised!  My stretch marks, my nose, my athletic build are all starting to grow on me. I work very hard for the body I have and think I’m doing damn good for a mother of two.

I am hard on myself. The world already can be a tough place but I need to take it easy on myself more. I am only one person wearing many hats. I need to be more gentle and kind to myself.

I am awkward… I now realize my awkwardness is a result of me not being my true self. The awkwardness is me trying to control my power, and uniqueness to be more feminine and dainty (totally not who I am) to be found more attractive to the opposite sex. When uncomfortable, you become awkward.

I amboth feminine and masculine energy…I can rock sweatpants, lift weights, play sports, and still get fly/girlie on date night.

I amemotional…I am an extension of the universe and tuned into souls. I am an empath and absorb energy.

I am a mess…and that is okay, because as long as God wakes me up tomorrow, I get another chance at life to work on myself.

I am a manifestor…everything I have asked for, I have received it. Even if it is not how I expected it.

I am talented…I mean I sing, dance, write, run, blog, vlog, speak, teach, cook, and the list continues.

I am single…I am single but I am whole. I am not broken nor damaged. I used to use those terms before but I realized this was never the case. I was disconnected from source/God. It took trauma for me to return home but I finally made it!

I am Light…In darkness I sometimes forget that my happiness is not based on my outward circumstances but rather what is going on within. When I am in good spirits my light shines bright. During the darkness it may take me a while but I always seem to find it.

I AM LOVE… Follow me on this journey of self-love and self discovery. The hurtful truths of a girl on a self-love journey…

*By the way notice the continuous use of ellipsis … this indicates unfinished thought. Every healing process requires lifetime work.