I am Kieona Lenisha Renee Fairley. That was the name that I was born with and given by my mother. I rarely use it, in fact at a period of time I was embarrassed by it. I think the last time I heard my full name called was at my graduation for my Bachelor’s degree. My friends thought it was hilarious, but they could have called me anything that day because I was finally achieving one of my greatest dreams. Actually, one of the dreams that society instilled within me ( we will save this conversation for a later date). Throughout my life, I have been referred to by many names. In most of my relationships whether intimate, or friendships, I had a special name they called me or referred to me as. In each of these relationships, I played the role. The role of becoming the very person they wanted me to be. The little girl in me desired to be liked and adored. I grew up being taught that being me wasn’t enough. Kieona Lenisha Renee Fairley was denied the affection, support, and attention from those that were supposed to love her. I now know, it was all because they did not love themselves. My core foundations were built off of the feelings of unworthiness. It ran through the veins of both my father and mother. All my life I have fought between who they told me I was, and I who I knew I wanted to be. Different. I did all the things society tells us to do. The very things that life is all about. Go to school, get a good job, get married , have children, buy a home and live happily ever after (however the happily ever after part never seemed to happen, not yet anyway). In fact, I was an overachiever, trying to compensate for the void seeking for validation outside of myself. My life choices were made out of my feelings of unworthiness, which lead me into toxic relationships, self harm, debt, weight gain, and the list goes on. This Mother’s day/birthday for me is going to be a bit different. This year I am turning the magical number 33. I have decided to kick-start my new blog, and close the previous chapters of my life by finishing my book London’s Prints. I have previously shared the trauma of the loss of my first-born son, divorce, and the effects of losing oneself. Over the past six months I stripped myself away from everything. Everything that most people define themselves by, I detached myself from. You see, most people define themselves by what they do, or who they do for. When you are faced with just you, no titles, no materialistic things, no serial dating/relationships, nothing just you. Here is where you will begin to reveal the hurtful truths while on your self-love journey. Just to give you a preview, I have found that I am many things, none of which I was told I was. You see when you love someone enough, you may find yourself adjusting or tweaking yourself to make them happy. Those adjustments will eventually become like a cancer, and soon you wont even recognize yourself anymore. I have searched for home and “the one” for many years now, only to find that falling in love is another individual reflecting to you, your true view of self. I have chosen to do so for myself, by falling purposely in love with myself.
Here are a few things I have found out about myself …
I am strong and resilient…it is in my DNA. However I am learning to use my strength daily and learning my ability through pushing myself. Must people find they are strong but not by choice, we usually find our strength when our backs are against the wall.
I am my own kind of beautiful…I say this because it appears women are all going for the same look. It’s about time that us melenated women are being praised! My stretch marks, my nose, my athletic build are all starting to grow on me. I work very hard for the body I have and think I’m doing damn good for a mother of two.
I am hard on myself. The world already can be a tough place but I need to take it easy on myself more. I am only one person wearing many hats. I need to be more gentle and kind to myself.
I am awkward… I now realize my awkwardness is a result of me not being my true self. The awkwardness is me trying to control my power, and uniqueness to be more feminine and dainty (totally not who I am) to be found more attractive to the opposite sex. When uncomfortable, you become awkward.
I amboth feminine and masculine energy…I can rock sweatpants, lift weights, play sports, and still get fly/girlie on date night.
I amemotional…I am an extension of the universe and tuned into souls. I am an empath and absorb energy.
I am a mess…and that is okay, because as long as God wakes me up tomorrow, I get another chance at life to work on myself.
I am a manifestor…everything I have asked for, I have received it. Even if it is not how I expected it.
I am talented…I mean I sing, dance, write, run, blog, vlog, speak, teach, cook, and the list continues.
I am single…I am single but I am whole. I am not broken nor damaged. I used to use those terms before but I realized this was never the case. I was disconnected from source/God. It took trauma for me to return home but I finally made it!
I am Light…In darkness I sometimes forget that my happiness is not based on my outward circumstances but rather what is going on within. When I am in good spirits my light shines bright. During the darkness it may take me a while but I always seem to find it.
I AM LOVE… Follow me on this journey of self-love and self discovery. The hurtful truths of a girl on a self-love journey…
*By the way notice the continuous use of ellipsis … this indicates unfinished thought. Every healing process requires lifetime work.